Olive Wars

My love for olives exceeds almost any love I have for pretty much anything in life.

I snack on olives like they're candy. I put them in salads, on sandwiches, and in every dish I cook myself. If you look in my refrigerator, I have about six jars of various types of olives {most almost empty, but I never eat or drink the bottom of anything, so I have a lot of near empty containers sitting around. I know I know, I should just throw them away...}

Last night, I had a jar of kalamata olives sitting on my kitchen cart, partly opened. My intention was to throw some in my salad,but of course,I had already stuck my stubby little fingers into the jar and yoinked several as a pre dinner snack.

Igby, pain in the ass that he is, jumped up on the cart several times, to the response of me shoving him off and yelling "NO".

Very effective, as you can imagine. He just jumped right back up all over again.

The third or fourth time that he did this, I tried with all my might to push him off, to no avail. The beast was holding fast to the cart, and he seemed to be gripping something with his paw. Upon closer inspection, I realized that he had his grubby little paw tightly wrapped around the olive jar, and he wasn't letting go.

That fucking bastard cat was trying to steal my olives. Nobody, but NOBODY comes between me and my olives! This was war!!!

I pushed. I tried to pry his little hand off. He held fast and tight, licking the jar lid and anything he could reach with his raspy tongue. I pushed again. He growled. Unbelievable. He's fucking growling at me, he won't let me get near my olives.

I didn't know what else to do, so I screamed. It seemed appropriate at that moment.

He let his guard down for a split second, and I grabbed the jar, and shoved it in the freezer--because who the hell knew what this cat was capable of at this point!

He looked at me with disdain, and then proceeded to do roly-polys on the cart, where the jar had been, like a lovesick olive freak.

And then he calmly jumped off the cart, strutted over to his favorite blankie, and the humping began.




So easily appeased, my cat.