Saturday, February 28, 2009

Paranoia, Big Destroyer

I realize that I might appear a little bit insane...privatizing my blog...opening it up to the public again..over and over.

Usually, you can pretty much guarantee that if I've made my blog private, it's because I've started dating someone new, and a wave of paranoia comes over me, I google myself, and discover that I am not as "anonymous" as I thought I was.

I then have to take care of the offending google entry and wait the appropriate amount of time before checking to see if it's gone.

What a fun and exciting life I lead ;)

You'll also notice that I removed quite a few blog posts from the past, involving a certain person. This is because I am a d-bag with a big, flapping mouth. Blahblahblah. I just don't know when to shut up.

Anyway, I'm back, for now. New stories on their way. I know you've been waiting :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

All For the Sake of Friendship

tSeveral weeks back I was out for a friend's Hen Party in Nolita.

I was on (surprise!) somewhat of a manhunt it seemed, finding myself chatting up dudes of all shapes and sizes at every bar that we stopped at. Although I am clearly not the bride-to-be, you would have thought that I was the one about to get hitched, as I had had way too much to drink, and was channeling Tara Reid in a big way. Stumbling, slurring, inappropriate touching. A bar fight. Possibly even a wardrobe malfunction. It wasn't pretty

As I waited to order a drink, I found myself striking up a convo with a couple of guys who were out and about having a bro bonding sesh. Turns out that one of them, Ban, had just ended a 6 yr relationship a couple weeks before, and was none too pleased about it. The other one, Korn, kept trying to give me his seat...God knows why...I mean, maybe the swaying and falling had something to do with it. Either way, Korn and Ban were good sports, letting me feel special by infringing on their bonding moment and, at one point, Ban put my number in his phone, calling me immediately after and leaving me a cute message like "hey Cheese, it's Ban, I'm calling your phone." Awww...

Korn and Ban left us, but I made Ban promise to "call me sometime". In the end, he returned to the bar to hang out with me some more. No moves were made, but after we parted for the second time, many texts were exchanged.

A couple weeks went by...a few more texts were thrown back and forth, but ultimately, nothing was progressing, so I sort of just let it go. And then, out of nowhere, he just sort of showed up again, as men are known to do.

"What are the kool kids doing tonight?" he asked early on a Friday.

I invited him to meet me out at a bday party for a couple friends. Which was pretty risque on my part, I mean, I only had an inkling of what this guy looked beer goggles were in overdrive the night I met him, and for all I knew, he was a bald, toothless douchebag with serious BO.

I got to the bar that night, and kept an eye out for the interloper. I seriously hoped that he was going to be able to pick me out of a crowd cuz man, it was crowded, and I was nervous.

Well, what do you know, I had nothing to fear. Not only did I recognize him right away, and vice versa...he was HOT. Like, out of my league hot. I was starting to wonder about HIS beer goggles the night that we first met, I mean, dude, I am so not your type. I can see that from a mile away.

No worries. He was happy to see me, gave me a big hug and we sat down at a table, just sort of hanging out..He bought me many drinks...we chatted about life. We talked about his break up. He maintained that he was sort of a mess. Was just looking to make new friends (read: I'm just not that into you) and was hoping that I could be one of them.

Hoo boy. Fucking friend zone. Yay.

We decided to mosey on over to another bar, where it was a little quieter and easier to have a conversation. We toasted our new friendship and then the subject of his new singledom came up.

He said that his friends keep telling him to sign up for J Date or Match. I put my foot down on that.

"Dude, you're not ready. You need some healing time." I admonished.

"But what about casual sex? I need to at least start having casual sex!" he pleaded.

Well duh.

I kissed him.

"Are we allowed to do that?" he asked. "Is this going to hurt our friendship?"

I told him, indeed it would not, as he needed someone to break the seal for him, and who better than a friend?

I really am a pal. The best!

So...we decided that making out in the bar was getting old, and he wanted me to go back to the Upper East Side, to his $5 million dollar apartment on 5th Avenue. Me, being old, set in my ways, and wanting to go to yoga in the morning, convinced him that Brooklyn was a lot closer, and quicker in a cab.

I casually mentioned that I cat...or maybe 2.

"Oh, I'm sort of allergic" he said. How allergic? "On a scale of 1-10, I'd say 7.5"

I reassured him that my house was dander free, and that he would be fine. "You have Benadryl, just in case?" he asked. I ran through the contents of my medicine cabinet in my head. I knew damn well I did not have Benedryl. In fact, I am allergic to Benedryl. "Of COURSE I have Benedryl," I lied through my teeth.

Seriously. I am not going to pass this up. No strings sex with a guy who is WAY out of my league who has maintained that he is NOWHERE near ready to date anyone...and he was willingly going back to Brooklyn with me...if he needed to be taken to the ER later, so be it.

So we end up back at my place, cat hair floating through the air like tumbleweeds...if you think that I've cleaned my apartment anytime in the last month or so you can think again...we hightail it to the bedroom, where, of course the cats have been of them spread eagled on a pillow. "Do they always hang out in here?" he asked cautiously. "No, never, bad bad cats" I shooed them out and shut the door.

Later in the night, I awoke to my new friend pulling on his clothes in a frenzy. The allergic reaction kicked in. He was itchy. He needed to escape. Now.

I watched him leap out of my front door and into the blissfully cat free air outside of it.

"Call me sometime" I yelled after him.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Everybody's Got One

Last night I attended the Bandaid Crush's birthday dinner.

I was really flattered and excited to have been invited, since I am a relatively new friend. It seemed like quite an honor to have been included. I was a little nervous, however, as I don't really know any of his other friends, as well as his ex-girlfriend was going to be there.

A little background info on Bandaid Crush...he and his live-in girlfriend of 3 yrs recently (last 3 or 4 months I think?) broke up (initiated by him) but they have remained really good friends. Additionally, he is semi-involved with a woman who lives in another city, who he met through work...but he is "just not that into her" (he's actually told me this). Lastly, there is a woman he is devastatingly obsessed with who he used to date...who he has tried to remain friends with but I guess his feelings get in the way (sound familiar? Remax2 redux!). In addition to that she went lesbo and is now dating another woman. So he's got quite a bit of lady drama swarming around him, to say the least.

Of course, I always forget these things when I am alone with him, because when it's just he and I, it's like no one else exists as far as I'm concerned.

I walked into the restaurant, a little hesitant at first, until Bandaid Crush saw me and got up to greet me, giving me a big hug and a kiss. He led me over to the table, where 8 strangers sat, staring at me, wondering who the hell I was.

I recognized his ex-girlfriend, P Diddy, right away, you know, from Facebook stalking and whatnot. She was just as adorable in person as she is in pix. She actually knew who I was (score-it means he talks about me!) and the two of us became fast friends, much to Bandaid Crush's chagrin. By the end of the night, I knew quite a few secrets about him that I'm sure he could have lived without me knowing.

I introduced myself to the rest of the table and settled in for the night. I happened to be sitting next to Bandaid Crush but I noticed right off the bat that he was spending a lot of time with his head turned in the opposite direction, and then finally, he just got up and moved to the end of the table, where he was completely mesmerized by whoever or whatever was going on.

I sort of felt insulted, not that I should have..I mean, I was not there as his date, and it wasn't just me he was ignoring...he was ignoring the ENTIRE TABLE of birthday goers, and no one seemed disturbed by it, so I let it go and buddied up with his ex and flirted with his cute friends.

He did eventually come back to his seat next to me, but his attentions were definitely somewhere else...I couldn't really put my finger on it, because the only people sitting on the other side of him were these two women, both named Dr Han, who arrived together..

And then it dawned on me. One of the Dr Hans was his Remax2!

I didn't even realize that he was still that good of friends with her that she would have come to his bday party. And it didn't even register that the "friend" that she arrived with was her lover, the other Dr Han. What really gave it away was, his behavior reminded me of ME...I flashbacked to a couple Sundays ago when I had some friends over for the Superbowl. Remax2 arrived, and it was like nobody else was sitting there in my apartment eating my 7 Layer Dip and watching my tv...including Bandaid Crush! I completely ignored the entire room of people and stood in my kitchen with Remax2, hanging on his every word, making him drinks, making goo goo eyes at him.

It was hilarious to say the least, but once I had this epiphany during dinner, everything clicked into place, I could relax and really enjoy the rest of the night, knowing that Bandaid Crush was too far gone to rescue from himself, and my only function in his life at this moment was that of a new friend and nothing more.

At the end of the night, he and I took the train home together and he could not WAIT to get my opinion..."That was her! That was my Remax2!" he gushed.

Poor guy. I hope he knows what he's in for. Because having a Remax2 is really nothing to brag about.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Today's one of those days that I just can't get motivated for.

I woke up this morning, and realized that I'd finally kicked this 2-week long flu/cold/plague that I'd had..but that it was replaced with a migraine and feeling of nausea.

The migraine and feeling of nausea may stem from finding out that one of my relatives is dying. Well I knew he was dying, but now he has an actual death sentence.

I can't even imagine how it feels to be told that one has 2 months to live. How do you take that? What goes through your head when someone tells you this?

I always said that if I was dying of something I wouldn't want to know, because it would be better to just drop dead one day so that I could live my life normally...knowing me I'd spend my last waking moments obsessing about my own death.

Or would I? Maybe I would actually do all the things that I keep saying I'm going to do. Maybe I would make my life worth living somehow. I'd write that stupid something meaningful to help others...enjoy every minute I was on this earth with no regrets. Make amends with people who I wronged or who wronged me. Eat a LOT of fucking chocolate. Fuck a lot of guys. A LOT. Without condoms. Tell the people I love that I love them, all the time.

Maybe I'll just do all that anyway. I mean, I could be dying. It's not like anyone is going to tell me!