tSeveral weeks back I was out for a friend's Hen Party in Nolita.
I was on (surprise!) somewhat of a manhunt it seemed, finding myself chatting up dudes of all shapes and sizes at every bar that we stopped at. Although I am clearly not the bride-to-be, you would have thought that I was the one about to get hitched, as I had had way too much to drink, and was channeling Tara Reid in a big way. Stumbling, slurring, inappropriate touching. A bar fight. Possibly even a wardrobe malfunction. It wasn't pretty
As I waited to order a drink, I found myself striking up a convo with a couple of guys who were out and about having a bro bonding sesh. Turns out that one of them, Ban, had just ended a 6 yr relationship a couple weeks before, and was none too pleased about it. The other one, Korn, kept trying to give me his seat...God knows why...I mean, maybe the swaying and falling had something to do with it. Either way, Korn and Ban were good sports, letting me feel special by infringing on their bonding moment and, at one point, Ban put my number in his phone, calling me immediately after and leaving me a cute message like "hey Cheese, it's Ban, I'm calling your phone." Awww...
Korn and Ban left us, but I made Ban promise to "call me sometime". In the end, he returned to the bar to hang out with me some more. No moves were made, but after we parted for the second time, many texts were exchanged.
A couple weeks went by...a few more texts were thrown back and forth, but ultimately, nothing was progressing, so I sort of just let it go. And then, out of nowhere, he just sort of showed up again, as men are known to do.
"What are the kool kids doing tonight?" he asked early on a Friday.
I invited him to meet me out at a bday party for a couple friends. Which was pretty risque on my part, I mean, I only had an inkling of what this guy looked like...my beer goggles were in overdrive the night I met him, and for all I knew, he was a bald, toothless douchebag with serious BO.
I got to the bar that night, and kept an eye out for the interloper. I seriously hoped that he was going to be able to pick me out of a crowd cuz man, it was crowded, and I was nervous.
Well, what do you know, I had nothing to fear. Not only did I recognize him right away, and vice versa...he was HOT. Like, out of my league hot. I was starting to wonder about HIS beer goggles the night that we first met, I mean, dude, I am so not your type. I can see that from a mile away.
No worries. He was happy to see me, gave me a big hug and we sat down at a table, just sort of hanging out..He bought me many drinks...we chatted about life. We talked about his break up. He maintained that he was sort of a mess. Was just looking to make new friends (read: I'm just not that into you) and was hoping that I could be one of them.
Hoo boy. Fucking friend zone. Yay.
We decided to mosey on over to another bar, where it was a little quieter and easier to have a conversation. We toasted our new friendship and then the subject of his new singledom came up.
He said that his friends keep telling him to sign up for J Date or Match. I put my foot down on that.
"Dude, you're not ready. You need some healing time." I admonished.
"But what about casual sex? I need to at least start having casual sex!" he pleaded.
I kissed him.
"Are we allowed to do that?" he asked. "Is this going to hurt our friendship?"
I told him, indeed it would not, as he needed someone to break the seal for him, and who better than a friend?
I really am a pal. The best!
So...we decided that making out in the bar was getting old, and he wanted me to go back to the Upper East Side, to his $5 million dollar apartment on 5th Avenue. Me, being old, set in my ways, and wanting to go to yoga in the morning, convinced him that Brooklyn was a lot closer, and quicker in a cab.
I casually mentioned that I had..um...a cat...or maybe 2.
"Oh, I'm sort of allergic" he said. How allergic? "On a scale of 1-10, I'd say 7.5"
I reassured him that my house was dander free, and that he would be fine. "You have Benadryl, just in case?" he asked. I ran through the contents of my medicine cabinet in my head. I knew damn well I did not have Benedryl. In fact, I am allergic to Benedryl. "Of COURSE I have Benedryl," I lied through my teeth.
Seriously. I am not going to pass this up. No strings sex with a guy who is WAY out of my league who has maintained that he is NOWHERE near ready to date anyone...and he was willingly going back to Brooklyn with me...if he needed to be taken to the ER later, so be it.
So we end up back at my place, cat hair floating through the air like tumbleweeds...if you think that I've cleaned my apartment anytime in the last month or so you can think again...we hightail it to the bedroom, where, of course the cats have been sleeping...one of them spread eagled on a pillow. "Do they always hang out in here?" he asked cautiously. "No, never, bad bad cats" I shooed them out and shut the door.
Later in the night, I awoke to my new friend pulling on his clothes in a frenzy. The allergic reaction kicked in. He was itchy. He needed to escape. Now.
I watched him leap out of my front door and into the blissfully cat free air outside of it.
"Call me sometime" I yelled after him.