Those Damn Rules

I'm sure none of you could tell, but I am not one to subscribe to the general rules of conformist society. Which I think is a very, very good thing. Except, my guy friends are trying to reign me in when it comes to dating.

I never really thought about such things as "the 3 date rule"...letting the guy call me first...not making the first move..playing hard to get. I mean, if you like someone, what's the big fucking deal? I've never been good at playing games, my poker face might as well be an "O" face and I get bored during Monopoly.

But, from what I understand, in these modern times of ours, men are still horribly antiquated in their dating rituals and beliefs, and I've been doing it ALL WRONG all this time. Can you fucking believe it??

Which means that, I'm not supposed to act on any impulsive instantaneous attraction to any of the guys that I date. I am supposed to act like a perfect little lady, let them give me a peck at the end of the night, and then I demurely slink off into the darkness, letting them wonder what mysteries lay underneath my mini skirt.

I am not to email them the next day, but instead wait the dreaded three or so days for them to contact me. When they ask me for plans, I am not to answer immediately, but instead make them wait, to give the impression that I am slightly unavailable.

Believe me, I have not gone insane. And I have not read that horrible book "The Rules" that makes me want to just vomit all over my Frye boots. This is advice that I am getting from trusted buddies of mine who allow women to act in such freakish ways.

I don't get it, but hey, I'll give it a try.

Enter Mysterious Guy. Mysterious Guy and I have been out twice now. I have a certain, inexplicable attraction to Mysterious Guy, but personality-wise I don't think we have a lot in common. However, he is the perfect candidate for this crazy experiment I am conducting..let's see how long I can keep him interested in me.

First date, he complimented me. A lot. He commented on my cleavage. How badly did I want to shove his face right in there, get a little motor boat action going right in the middle of the bar. But no...I had to sit there, clench my teeth, thank him, and start talking about clowns, or something. Anything to divert the conversation away from my twin peaks.

At the end of the night, he tried to walk me home, but I insisted that he go on his merry way. In truth, I was really craving a slice of pizza more than I was craving him, anyway...so it wasn't that much of a sacrifice. But I did let him kiss me, a lot. Kept my tongue where it belonged and told him I'd talk to him soon.

Well I'll be. I got a text from him later that evening making sure I got home ok. And an email the next day. And by Monday, he had asked me out again.

Date #2. An improv show and dinner. Again, conversation steered down a forbidden road. He asked me what my favorite sexual position is. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate dinner conversation *coughreversecowgirlcough*. I was amazed at how difficult it was for me to not lapse right into a full on discussion about the merits of doggie style and which of my four vibrators works best in that position..but I was good, and kept it clean.

I let him walk me to the train, and we made out on the steps, til some horrible teenagers walked by and screamed out "Oh look, they're in love." At least I hope they were teenagers, and not, like, people I work with or something. We broke away, he said he'd talk to me later and I scurried down the stairs like one of those subway rats I keep seeing on the tracks.

So now, I need to see if I've made it to Date #3.

I asked Ha Ha Sound what I should do now, the conversation went like this:

ME so. guy from sat night and i have emailed a few times since our last date...
he's asked me out the last two times
should i ask him for plans?
or wait and see if he asks me out a third time?
do you think it's wrong if i say "i'll make it worth your while"
hahahaha

Ha Ha Sound: yes
just wait
let him call
he'll call

Soooo....I wait.

But if I make it to Date #3, I hear there is a prize for being patient. And we all know what that is.

Fuck, yea!

The Friend Zone

Several months back I met a guy through some friends that I was extremely attracted to, and we hit it off like two kids in a sandbox. We've stayed in touch, invited each other to things, hoped to bump into each other at other things, but schedules did not allow us to cross paths again. Until last week.

He invited me out for drinks Sat night, just sort of out of the blue...truth be told I wasn't all that excited about it...so much time had gone by since we first met, I could barely remember what he looked like.

Which became apparent when I walked into the bar and looked right at him, not realizing who he was! Ha!

Now, I was not under any illusion that this meetup was actually a date...I mean, it took this long to get it together, how interested could he possibly be?

After several hours of nonstop laughing, at ourselves and others...playing tunes on the jukebox, and light touching, a shoulder here, a thigh there...it was late, and time to go home. Separately. There was definite talk of additional meetups, and I'm not 100% sure that he WASNT into me to a small degree...and I am definitely, definitely interested in him...but I've thrown myself under that bus called "the friend zone", yet again, I'm afraid.

Once upon a time, there was a girl in me who would never have hesitated to seize the moment, take what I thought I deserved and not worry about the consequences...my last breakup I can't even count the amount of lovers that I accumulated in a one year period, literally...recklessly stomping through life without a care in the world.

This time around, I have had my share of encounters, yes...but somewhere along the way I have become a big pussy, wishing and wanting and hoping but not DOING. Worrying about consequences or being rejected. Liquid courage isn't even helping these days.

I have now accumulated a nice collection of man friends...not that this is such a horrible thing, but really, do I NEED more man friends? How do I cross the line from friend zone to fuck zone?

Cramming it all In

I just checked the date on my last blog post, and oddly enough it has only been a week since my last ramblings. This doesn't seem possible, but perhaps this is because so many things have happened in those seven days, I don't know how I crammed it all in.

Let's see, there was a milestone birthday, a few dates, a triathlon, a "breakup", and a booty call.

Yea, I'm pretty special.

The Birthday
For the last several months I have been anticipating the dreaded birthday; the day that I would be crossing over into a decade that seemed highly impossible. Not only that, I was entering it alone, no relationship to be had, none even percolating on the horizon.

Turns out that this birthday was just as good, if not better, than any other birthday. I threw myself a giant party. My bestest of friends came and bought me shitloads of booze and gifts and surrounded me with love and hope and yes I'm getting supremely sappy right now. But it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I imagined it would be (other than that fucking balloon) and to be honest I don't feel any different. So, until I break a hip or need to start buying Depends, I'm only as young as I feel, right?

On the actual day, I took off from work and spent the day prepping my bike for my race, and then met my family in the Evil for dinner at the most amazing Greek restaurant ever. 2 glasses of Greek wine later, I was buzzed, and insisted that my sis get a drink with me at this place, which has become filled with horrible frat boys in baseball caps. Yuck. One of them came over and slurred out some incomprehensible conversation before picking up my sister's drink and gulping the whole thing down.

We left after that.

Which was fine, because I had a

Date
...well, it wasn't a date, exactly, but Rock Star had finished a gig and wanted to hang out afterwards. So I showed up at his place, all decked out from dinner, and we sat on his floor guzzling beer and listening to music. Four hours into it I realized it was 1am and I really needed to get home. A peck on the lips and I was in a cab...guessing we were just going to be friends, until I got a text five minutes later that read "next time, less talking, MORE KISSING". Heh.

The next day I had an afternoon date with Boring Guy. I don't think I've ever mentioned him here. I went out with him probably 3 weeks ago, I was definitely attracted to him physically, but wasn't sure about his personality...yet. We've IM'ed everyday since then and FINALLY made date #2. My boss actually dubbed him Boring Guy, and after our second date I congratulated her on being right on with her nickname.

Her: So how was Boring Guy?
Me: Well. I can't stand to listen to him talk for more than 10 minutes. But I made out with him and that was good.
Her: So couldn't you just do THAT next time?
Me: Eh. Probably not.

So that sums up Boring Guy.

Triathlon

Sunday was my second NYC Tri, and it was a doozy. Between the jellyfish, my bad ankle, the 95 degree weather, and my almost flat bike tire, it was quite the feat to get through it all. But I managed to not get stung, ignore the ankle, hydrate myself and kick ass even WITH the mushy tire, and take 10 minutes off of last year's time. Woohoo! I was met at the finish line by a group of friends who were brave enough to get up at the crack of dawn, stand outside in the scorching heat, and patiently wait for me, the slowest runner in the world, to finish. Beers at the Boat Basin never tasted better, and Kristen was nice enough to take me up to her place and shower so I wouldn't be gross! Yay!

The Breakup
Remax2 had been trying to call me for a while because he wanted to "talk". Which freaked me out. WTF did he want to talk about? He finally got at me at some point over the weekend, to tell me that he'd met someone else, but he really wanted to be friends.

I think that was the first time in my history of dating that I was dumped by someone I wasn't actually in a relationship with. It was..interesting.

Booty Call

I don't think you need me to spell it out for you. Let me just say, it was real, and it was spectacular. ;)

Online Dating Can Make One a Bitter, Bitter Bitch

Sender: blueeyedchap
To: Cheese
Date: Jul 13, 2008 7:22 pm PST

"hi cheese,

thanks for writing...and don't worry about saying anything witty...just being you is good enough.

i certainly appreciate hearing from pretty women but i'd be lying if i didn't say i have a fetish for black-haired girls...i guess i want what i can't have (black hair).

i wish you the best on crotch.com...i'm sure you've already got some boys lined up.

D "

Could he be more placating?

So this was my response:


"Well thanks for the reply but totally unnecessary. Perhaps in future maybe you should put something in your profile that says you are a brunette snob

Best,

Cheese"

Thank God for the "block" feature!

Home Wrecker

Here's a word of warning to all you kids out there.

If you have two guys in your phone with the same name (such as Remax and Remax2)...be sure that they are labelled VERY CAREFULLY. Or you will have an accident. Like I just did.

Remax2 and I were texting a bit this evening, and I just sent him a doozy of a message...seriously, picture the dirtiest thing you could probably send to someone, and this was even dirtier.

Except, I didn't send it to him. I sent it to the original Remax. Married with 2 kids Remax.

I am so FUCKING embarrassed I could just die.

Additionally, I really, really hope his wife doesn't see it before he does. OH GOD.

Turning Tables

Every now and again, being that I am a somewhat attractive woman when I try really hard, I walk past a construction site and get the full treatment. Cat calls, whistles, ay mamis, and the like.

Today, I was on my way to the office, and as I walked past a group of workers, one of them caught my eye. A black wife-beater filled to the brim with muscles of all sorts of shapes and sizes, leading to a small waist,and nice tight jeans that hugged all the right places. I slowed down my pace to admire this urban Adonis. And it was pretty damn obvious that I was doing so.

He caught my eye, and I smiled, and kept staring. If I was a different kind of gal (or if I wasn't dressed like a 12 yr old boy, in a hoodie, jeans and Converse) maybe I would have stopped, or catcalled, or blown him a kiss. Alas, I kept walking, with my head whipped around (in my mind it is all slo-mo and my hair is sexily blowing around in a breeze, while I seductively saunter by. I might even have a daisy tucked behind my ear)until I couldn't see him anymore.

Ay Papi!

Julia, You are an Inspiration to Me

I was never a big SNL fan when I was a kid, but I have always LOVED Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine on Seinfeld.

Her new show, "The New Adventures of Old Christine", is like watching Elaine as a suburban divorcee. She has the same quirky personality, is just as self-centered, and just as much of a mess as Elaine Benis was. It's fucking great.

Watching a new episode tonight, it dawned on me that the bitch gets to hook up with some of the hottest TV men of all time.

One of the first guys they paired her up with was Scott Bakula:



I first fell in love with the hotness that is Scott Bakula when a young, dorky Cheese used to watch "Quantum Leap" with one hand down her pants on a weekly basis. Every episode had him traveling back in time for some reason or another, and they always had him charm the hell out of some unsuspecting ho-bag. Later on, he was Murphy Brown's boyfriend-another fucking brilliant show. The last I'd seen him was on Star Trek-The New Generation--I will say his buttal region looked fabulous in a space suit. Rowr.

Next on the list of Christine's suitors:

Blair Underwood



What more is there to say about Blair Underwood other than his chocolately goodness is always welcomed, no matter where he shows up. I first remember him back in LA Law, and through the years he just gets better with age, like a fine nubian wine. Best use of Blair was his short stint on Sex in the City as Miranda's boyfriend, and if I remember correctly we did get to see him scantily clad. No complaints here.

Tonight's episode of "Old Christine" had her sucking face with Dave Foley:



Dave Foley, one of the masterminds of Kids in the Hall, as well as the star of News Radio, is what we like to call "sexy ugly".
He's one of those smart as fuck, funny guys who isn't classicly good looking, but his amazing wit makes him a total stud muffin. Throw in that adorable space between his teeth and Canadian accent, and you've got yourself a horny gal's wet dream.

I can't wait to see who they pair her up with next. It's like softcore porn for Monday night tv ;)