Random Thoughts Before a Holiday Weekend

Well, here we are, the official start of summer. I'm shivering in my scarf and coat, soaked through the bone from the neverending rain, but hey kids, it's Memorial Weekend, and we are gonna have FUN!

I'm flying to the Outer Banks of North Carolina tonight, and oh how I hate to fly. So I took my regular Thursday yoga class in the hopes that it would calm my inner anxiety. It certainly helped, until I had the pleasure of witnessing the woman in front of me, wearing a loose fitting top and no bra underneath, boobs flopping around. I tried to avert my eyes, but then I saw one of the boobs sort of fall out of her top, and I certainly couldn't look away. So there you go, the start of a beautiful weekend.

So I thought I would leave you with some adorable pictures that I took last week in Central Park, when I was lounging in the sun after my hideous doctor's appointment that I really don't want to discuss. Lisette is the little cutie's name, and she just basked in the glory of being cute while her Batman (her mom) and I shot the shit over on Cherry Hill. Enjoy!


Scoping out the sights.


Making friends with a curious Pekinese.


Ain't she the cutest?

Tis the Season to be an Asshole

I was wandering home from my company holiday party last night in search of a cab. Well, let's be honest, I was in search of munchies, and then a cab, but I certainly did not want to embark on the long ride home without some sort of sustenance. I mean I live in Brooklyn for God's sake. It's like traveling to a foreign, faraway land.

I was sort of hoping Tisserie on 17th Street was still open, but no such luck..as I just about gave up on both the food AND the cab, I found myself eyeing Maoz.

I've seen this place a bunch of times, but never gone in. From what I could tell, its a Felafel joint that is sort of like Quiznos, with a fixin's bar that rivals the salad bar at Outback Steakhouse..not that I have ever been in an Outback Steakhouse, but I imagine that is has a kickass salad bar. You know what I mean.

I waited on line, completely oblivious to who or what was around me. I had a gym bag and my usual giant work bag slung over my shoulder. I hummed to myself, drunk as can be, I might have even been swaying a little, who the hell knows. I felt my gym bag jiggle. Then again. And yet again.

It finally dawned on me that my gym bag was being punched. I followed the movement and found myself staring into the eyes of a very unattractive, probably lonely, angry woman, who looked about 5O due to her pinched up constipation face, but was probably closer to my age.

I asked her why she was punching my bag, and she told me it was because I kept banging her with it.

Now, mind you, I probably was being a little unaware of my surroundings, and I don't doubt that my bag hit her, but A} all she had to do was step back a foot and saved herself a lot of aggravation or B} tap me on the shoulder politely and ask me to please chill out.

So I told her that. Very nicely, probably slurring my words, maybe I swayed a little, maybe I didn't. Again, who the hell knows. She looked at me as if I were insane, and kept repeating over and over, that I was banging into her with my bag, and I needed to stop. I finally couldn't listen to her anymore, and I started yelling "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!" {I am the QUEEN of snappy comebacks, let me tell you}. She replied, "You NEED to control your BODY" and to that, I shrieked "YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. ASSHOLE!"

At this point, there was a line behind us, and people were starting to snicker. I turned to the front of the store and waited patiently for my felafel. I could hear the asshole muttering to herself. She just wouldn't let it go.

Seconds later, I got my food, twirled around on my heel, and managed to whack the bitch with my bag. Hard.

I ran like hell and didn't look back. This girl ain't stupid!