Sunday, March 30, 2008

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know, and Then Some

The other night on Bret Michaels Rock of Love (yea, I love that show, get off my back!), Bret brought in all of the girls' ex-boyfriends so he could grill them and find out dirt. Which is so fucking twisted I can't even tell you, but I loved seeing all the discomfort on the boyfriends' faces. And of course, some of the girls had been hiding things, so they started to freak out when they realized that their secrets might end up right out on the table for Bret, and that if he didn't like what he found out, could send them home at the drop of a hat. Which would mean no more running their hands through his long, golden locks, no more caressing that bandana that is perpetually wrapped around his forehead. The tour ends here, my darlings.

However, if he has to kick off some of the skanks, this would make room for people like me, the nice girl. All I want is a chance to show Bret how hot a nice girl really can be. To get to straddle him on nationwide television and lick his face while caressing that bandana.

Of course, if he had to talk to any of MY ex's, the conversations would most likely go like this:

High School Ex
"Cheese was a great girl, as long as you didn't want to have sex or anything. I mean, if you were looking for a regular case of blue balls, she would be your gal. At least for the first year. Then, when i finally got her to give it up at a party like a year later, she never wanted to stop doing it. I thought my dick might fall off from all the sex. I guess that's not a bad thing when you're 18. She was also really possessive. She wouldn't let me go to the bathroom without asking her permission first. Do you think that might have been kinda creepy?"

6 yr ex
"What can I say, Cheese was perfect. Even after we broke up, I couldn't stop comparing all of my new girlfriends to my beloved Cheese. She was a firecracker, that one. One time she threw a sandwich at my head because I didn't change the channel fast enough and she missed the first five minutes of Melrose Place. But I mean, I totally deserved it. Melrose was her favorite. She was obsessed with one of her coworkers, but seriously, it was just a crush. I mean, the fact that we hadn't had sex in like, 6 months didn't mean anything, right???"

8 yr ex
"This girl is all show and no go. I mean, when we started dating, she totally gave me the impression that she would be ALL OVER the idea of having a threesome. But nooooo, I begged and pleaded for 6 of the 8 years that we were together, and she just wasn't budging. Friggin' prude. And can you imagine that when I gave her a strap on for Valentines Day, she looked at me like I had four heads and started to cry. What a pussy! No wonder I spend all day with my dick in my hand watching pornos...oh, did you not want to know that?"

Random 3-night stand dude
"She really, really likes it from behind, man."

BH ex
"Bret, if you like the jealous type, the Cheese is your woman. This chick is jealous of spambots on myspace. If I breathe next to another woman, she thinks we're having sex. One time I wanted to masturbate and Cheese thought I was cheating on her with my hand. But she gave a damn good blow job, and she made a tasty grilled cheese."

I dunno, I think I would pass with flying colors, don't you? ;)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

My Parallel Universe

For the last week or so I have been chatting with a guy that I met very briefly through a friend of a friend. The one time that we met, it was late, we were both a little intoxicated, and didn't really get a chance to talk for very long. And I was probably running off to some late night dalliance or another with an inappropriately aged boy, so I'm sure I had one foot out the door, at least mentally, while conversing with Mr Appropriately Aged Possible Next Love Interest.

He got my digits and we've been talking pretty much every single day since we met, making plans to get together last night for a drink. Based on the fact that he is a total looker, and we seemed to have a lot in common, and he was quite the enthusiastic one about getting together with me and the fact that I have curves "in all the right places",I thought for sure that this one was in the bag, so to speak. Whatever that even means..I mean, I'm nowhere near being interested in dating someone in a serious manner, but it would be nice to try to engage some sort of romantic coup, even if just for fun, with someone my own age. For once.

Well. I got a call right before I was about to leave the office-he asked if I minded going to dinner instead of drinks, as he was starving. He offered to make reservations at a Cuban place in the W. Village and, although I had no interest in dinner, I agreed to meet him there. He mentioned that it was nice and quiet, and since I was nursing some laryngitis it would be nice for me to not have to scream.

I managed to get there unfashionably early, to make things nice and awkward for myself, and found myself sitting at a table, right next to the UNBELIEVABLY LOUD LIVE BAND that was playing during dinner. So much for not having to scream! To top it all off, my lovely date was late by about 15 minutes. So there I sat, alone, next to the live music, cursing the day I was born and wishing I could just blink and find myself home.

He finally appeared, and he seemed sort of disheveled. Without barely a glance my way, he grabbed a menu and proceeded to order everything on the menu. Where was the enthusiasm from the previous week? How is he not noticing my fabulous cleavage, the fuck me boots, the short skirt, the flowing blonde hair he seemed to gush about upon first meeting? Did I get fugly in just a week? WTF?

The conversation was blah, at best, and at one point it seemed as if he was going to pass out at the table. When he ordered two desserts after dinner, I raised my eyebrows...and that's when he said "Yea, my boss gave me the munchies on my way over here. I'll blame this on him."

Gave him the munchies?

"Yea, we smoked a big fattie before I got on the train, and I'm stoned out of my mind."

Got it. Now it all makes sense. I didn't get fugly. He got STUPID!

I had to laugh, I mean, what else could I do? Here I am, trying to be more mature and date more "mature" people, and this is what I get? He makes my 20-something yr old crush look like a 90 year old grandpa, for fucks sake!

For some insane reason, I thought perhaps a change of scenery would somehow transform this date from blah to YEA, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink after dinner, my treat. I guess he could have said no, but maybe he, too, was hoping that moving on to another location would somehow create more of a spark between us, or at least sober him up, or something.

Alas, that was not the case, and one drink later, he was yawning, and I was rolling my eyes and counting the minutes til I got to go home and watch paint dry or do something a little more exciting than sit and stare at this moron's stoned, listless face.

Barely a hug was exchanged when we got to our respective trains. I expect we will not be going out again, although, stranger things have happened.

Once I got home, I signed onto gchat and lo and behold, the married-with-two-kids high school ex-BF greeted me in his usual enthusiastic way, and we spent the next two hours chatting up a storm. He likes to hear my dating gossip, I suspect to live vicariously through me, since he's been married since the beginning of time...we've been cautious to not talk about the past, or reminisce or go down any of those forbidden roads. But last night, he went there.

"I was absolutely CRAZY about you."

I don't know why, but I saw those words written on my screen and, sitting cross legged on my couch, laptop askew on my lap, I screamed. Remember in Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald finds out that the Geek showed her underwear to all his friends? The scream was like that.

Thus opened a whole Pandora's box that really should have stayed locked, bound and thrown to the bottom of the ocean. But I guess, 2 years or 20 years can go by, and people still feel what they're gonna feel.

It's a sad state of affairs when your fantasy late-night cyber dates with your ex are way more satisfying than the real life men that I seem to be encountering of late.

But it's my parallel universe, and I'll live it how I want to :)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Did anyone feel like today was the day that would never end?

it was the weirdest thing, everytime I looked at the clock, it felt like 3 hours had gone by, yet only five minutes had passed. Which is doubly strange because I was super busy today. Yet every ticking minute was complete torture, stretched out to the maximum. Did anyone else have this kind of day?

Somewhere in the middle of the day, I had a weird, but needed, IM conversation with a friend of mine. It wasn't a conversation that I wanted to have or even planned on having, but sometimes, you just have to nip certain things in the bud. I nipped it. Hard. I hope it didn't hurt.

I was invited to a client party, which I attended after having two Cosmos at a bar across from my office. Everyone was like "why are you going to go spend money on drinks when you can get some for free at the client party?" I don't really have an answer, other than it was super fun to walk into the party already having had two Cosmos.

At said party, a married guy pinched my ass. I wasn't sure what to make of it, so I just chalked it up to the fact that my ass is awesome, and he couldn't help himself.

After the party, one of my coworkers took us over to his favorite gay bar on 17th Street. We found ourselves in the midst of a Family Feud game, with a RuPaul lookalike as the host. Topless men with ripped bodies served me drinks. Things such as "What are the top 5 acts of foreplay?" were the topics. I shouted out "rim jobs". Apparently me and one other gay guy thought this should have been #1 in the top 5 acts of foreplay. Apparently it was not.

My date for tomorrow night left me a very lovely message, and I am kind of excited to hang out with him. I may or may not keep you posted on the outcome. I know. I'm such a tease. That's what HE said ;).

Friday, March 21, 2008

Seriously, I Give Up!

So, yes, I've been dabbling with the online dating thing, as much as I LOATHE it.

I would so much rather meet someone organically, through a friend, or through some twist of fate. Going online, as I have said before, reminds me of shoe shopping. I always want the Manolos, but somehow end up with the Easy Spirits.

Fine, so I need to succumb to the evils of online dating in order to get back out there and at least try to meet people who I may or may not find worthy of spending time with me. Last week, as you all know, I had a date on Friday, which ended up with me texting a friend to "save me" from myself in order to not end up in bed with a guy who I had absolutely no interest in whatsoever.

Another date, with another guy on Sunday. He was nice. No sparks. Not that I expected any, I mean, I am not ready to have sparks with anyone just yet, this is all just an exercise. But I enjoyed hanging out with him, and decided that if he did indeed contact me again, I'd go out with him again.

So he did contact me again, and I was feeling pretty crappy for most of the week, so I asked if it would be ok to take a raincheck for next week. I got some serious attitude about that, and I expect that I will not be hearing from him again anytime soon.


Today, home from work, I ventured back onto one of my dating sites. I saw a couple people who I thought were interesting (oh hell, they were hot. and way too young for me. as usual) I figure, if I'm not serious about this dating thing, since I'm pretty much not capable of feeling anything for anyone right now, then why the fuck aren't I going out with inappropriately aged hotties?

Within minutes, one emailed me back. It said, "How about a bottle of wine at my place?"

Uh, no.

I told him that if he wanted to meet up for a drink at a bar, and see where it went, I would be all for that.

His reply, "Ok, I'll compromise. How about a bottle of wine at YOUR place?"

Seriously, do these fuckwads think they don't even have to TRY to get into our pants anymore? I'm going to invite some dude, who's name I don't even know, who's picture I saw for a split second on a computer screen, to come into my house and yea, I'm going to show him the best time he ever had.

Ok. Maybe another girl. Not this one. I don't just give it away y'know!

Thursday, March 20, 2008


So, I just had another lovely evening at my local bar, with yet more bad service, but this time, somehow, it was tolerable. Mainly because I was with a gaggle of girls, who always make things better, no matter how bad things really are.

-It seems that I am a fucking laugh riot, and am capable of making people laugh with my "Joe Pesci" impersonations, especially when Joe Pesci is driving a guido convertible with the top down and his toupee is waving in the breeze.

-It's also really funny when I'm impersonating lactating women with "nipples the size of scooter pies". When I tried to substitute "scooter pies" for "pepperoni", I was reprimanded that it just wasn't funny enough.

-I spent the day seeking romance advice from my high school exboyfriend. Hey, he gchatted me. He gchats me all the time. I can't help it if I'm gchattable. Anyway, is it weird that the guy I lost my virginity to is now my Dear Abby? Probably...

-High School ex-boyfriend made the brilliant deduction that I prefer younger men. Not a hard deduction to come to, except, he reminded me that he, too, was younger than me. Oops. He might be onto something.

-Sometimes it is much easier to get a waiter's attention when making shadow puppets. Shadow puppets are way more obvious then, say, really good cleavage.

Another educational evening out. Sometimes, they are so needed.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Running Out Of Steam

Very late Weds night +drunken debauchery on Friday night + brunch with snotty babies on Sunday + late night date Sunday evening + 10 hour shoot day on Monday + coworkers force you to drink afterwards which means 2 ciders, one vodka tonic and a round of Jameson shots + another 10 hour shoot day on Tuesday + client dinner and drinks afterwards + that one last cigarette = swollen glands and a very, very sore throat.

Cheese needs a vacation. And some throat lozenges.

Sesame Treat

I mentioned a few months back that some friends of mine sprouted a brand new baby.

Tis a whole new world, hanging out with them and the baby, and now, when we attend social functions at their house, it is one big, fat babyfest.

I guess this is to be expected, being that I am of "the age" where a lot of people are doing that sort of thing, but somehow, in this fair city, there are quite a lot of us who are not even close to being those people, nor do many of us want to be.

This past Sunday, I was invited to a brunch at their place, and we were divided into two camps, the breeders, and the "sad and empty" people ;) My friend Beach Boy was there-a really great guy who turned me on to the pleasures of Guitar Hero one New Years Day a few years back-and his new girlfriend. I had never met the girlfriend, so I was, of course, asking her all the questions a curious gal needed to ask. The subject of what she did for work came up, and it turned out that she designs toys for a living.

She pointed to one of her creations that she had brought for our hosts. It was a head, one side had an Ernie face, the other had Bert.

"Soooo cute!" I gushed as I picked it up and fondled it.

"Squeeze the head!" she instructed. I did, and it vibrated for what seemed like a full five minutes.

"Well. Ernie ole boy, I sure know where I'd like to stick that face of yours," I deadpanned...forgetting where I was. I got shot a look. Which went right over my head. Because I then said:

"Oh, don't worry, Bert will get his turn."

Hmmm. Inappropriate uses for children's toys probs don't go over well with the breeder set. Oh well.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Julia, You are an Inspiration to Me

I was never a big SNL fan when I was a kid, but I have always LOVED Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine on Seinfeld.

Her new show, "The New Adventures of Old Christine", is like watching Elaine as a suburban divorcee. She has the same quirky personality, is just as self-centered, and just as much of a mess as Elaine Benis was. It's fucking great.

Watching a new episode tonight, it dawned on me that the bitch gets to hook up with some of the hottest TV men of all time.

One of the first guys they paired her up with was Scott Bakula:

I first fell in love with the hotness that is Scott Bakula when a young, dorky Cheese used to watch "Quantum Leap" with one hand down her pants on a weekly basis. Every episode had him traveling back in time for some reason or another, and they always had him charm the hell out of some unsuspecting ho-bag. Later on, he was Murphy Brown's boyfriend-another fucking brilliant show. The last I'd seen him was on Star Trek-The New Generation--I will say his buttal region looked fabulous in a space suit. Rowr.

Next on the list of Christine's suitors:

Blair Underwood

What more is there to say about Blair Underwood other than his chocolately goodness is always welcomed, no matter where he shows up. I first remember him back in LA Law, and through the years he just gets better with age, like a fine nubian wine. Best use of Blair was his short stint on Sex in the City as Miranda's boyfriend, and if I remember correctly we did get to see him scantily clad. No complaints here.

Tonight's episode of "Old Christine" had her sucking face with Dave Foley:

Dave Foley, one of the masterminds of Kids in the Hall, as well as the star of News Radio, is what we like to call "sexy ugly".
He's one of those smart as fuck, funny guys who isn't classicly good looking, but his amazing wit makes him a total stud muffin. Throw in that adorable space between his teeth and Canadian accent, and you've got yourself a horny gal's wet dream.

I can't wait to see who they pair her up with next. It's like softcore porn for Monday night tv ;)

Friday, March 14, 2008

Words of Wisdom

Going on a "blind date" tonight, and I'm pretty not excited about it.

Some friends at work are trying to get me to go out with them to a local bar, and to invite the dude to meet me there.

"That way, if you hate him, you can climb out the bathroom window and we'll tell him you had to go home to feed your cat."

I told them to make it cats. Multiple. Like, 10.

"You have that many cats?" they spat?

No. But the surefire way to scare a guy away is tell him that you have multiple cats.

"Or that you love him" my friend surmised.

True, dat!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I Can't Help It, I Will Always Love Soda Bar

So, a friend and I decided to meet up at my local neighborhood bar to toss back a few before heading home for the night.

This particular bar is wildly popular, mainly because it's one of very few in my neighborhood. It's got food, it's cheap, and it's got a cool vibe, which includes a giant backyard for boozing al fresco, and a large back room with a lounge that's pretty comfy.

The problem with the back room is that, the service is awful awful awful. It is pretty much a given that if you aren't sitting at the actual bar, you're going to be shit out of luck as far as getting your food before it gets cold, or getting the proper drink order, or getting a drink order at all...I'd much rather sit at the bar for other reasons as well, such as, a bartender that we have dubbed "Hunky" who is sooo pretty, and fun to ogle while nursing one's cocktail.

I had gotten to the bar first and secured the only stool left. I hoped that another would open up before my friend showed up, but alas, none did. So we ordered our drinks up front, and then made our way to the back room, hoping for the best.

We settled into the cozy sofa that we found and threw back our drinks-his Blue Point Ale tame compared to my dirty 3-olive martini. After catching up on life and shooting the shit for a while, we realized that we were empty, and were in definite need of a refill.

I will say, the waitress seemed attentive at first, almost suspiciously so. Although it took her a while to bring us our second round, she did bring me the shaker with extra martini in it and left it at the table. Score!

However, true to form, we sort of never saw her again. I recall my friend needing another beer (since I had so much martini I was pretty much set for the night) so we waited, and waited. I needed to pee, so I figured I'd go grab him another ale from Hunky and bring it back myself (standard behavior when one is sitting in the back lounge of this place).

On my way to the bathroom I saw our server and she was aware that she had been slacking, so she immediately offered to get me the beer...and then sweetly asked me to bring it back to the table myself. "" "Thanks darling. You're a sweetheart" she smiled. I saw her put a Guinness on the bar.

"Here you go. It'll be waiting for you when you get back."

I was a lil loopy at this point, and didn't really register that my friend was drinking a lighter beer, and even moreso, wasn't the slightly bit miffed that my WAITRESS was asking me to carry my own drinks. Um, hello? So on my way back from the bathroom I brought the beer back and was greeted with a loud guffaw that it was so the wrong drink.

I know that!

Whatever, a beer is a beer. So he drank it...and of course, we never saw hide nor hair of this woman again.

We'd had our share of beverages, and it was late and time to get the hell out of Dodge. But we needed our bill.
We jokingly discussed ducking out of the side door that we happened to be sitting next to, conveniently located for those who I imagine become instant criminals by running out on their tab from sheer frustration. I so desperately wanted to be one of those people, but instead, I figured I'd just head over to the bar and get the tab from the bartender. No biggie.

I get to the bar, and the waitress is hanging out at the bar, head thrown back, doing shots.

Well I guess I know why she went missing!

I threw my card down and in my haste and drunken stupor, did not realize until this morning that she overcharged me by 8 bucks or so.

Which very well might be karma biting me in the ass, because I completely forgot to leave her a tip. D'oh.

Careless Memory

Waiting for the B train at Rockefeller Center the other night, I happened to look up and met a pair of eyes walking down the steps.

The guy looked vaguely familiar but for the life of me I couldn't remember why I knew who he was. He seemed to recognize me too, and instead of listening to my usual advice of "if you see someone you think you know but you're not sure who they are or if you don't know them all that well or if you don't feel like getting stuck in some weird awkward conversation, look away."

Too late, we made the eye contact, smiled, and he was moving toward me.

I then had to rack my brain. Who the fuck was this dude? Did we used to work together? Do we work together now but I just don't know who he is? Did I spend some wild night a couple years ago sitting on his cock reverse cowgirl style while yelling out "Wahoo?" I wasn't sure, but it was too late in the game to figure it out.

We started chatting and it was clear to me that he didn't really remember how he knew me either, and of course, neither of us even attempted to utter the others' name.

"Yea yea, things are good," I offered, when he asked how I was doing. He then stuttered out a question that I think was "Where are you working now?"

Finally, it clicked. We used to work together. We never really knew each other, except to say hi in the hallway. Which is why I couldn't remember his name. I probably never even knew it. The thing that struck me as awfully funny/scary is that, he had gone partly grey. Which sucks, cuz I think he's younger than me. Jesus Christ my peers are starting to get grey not cool!

At any rate, I just love that I spent the better part of a conversation having absolutely no recollection of this person other than the familiar sight of his face.

I've decided that I've met so many people in my life, that my brain just doesn't have the capacity to remember them all. And I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Freaks and Geeks-Spirit of the Radio

Oh Nick Andopolis, be still my heart.

The first time I saw you playing the drums, I fell right in love with your little stoner self.

There is nothing hotter than a floppy-haired guy playing drums. To Rush. Really badly. Check out the dry ice. But girls, back off, he's mine ;)

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Overheard on the MTA

Two guys standing in the corner on their way home from work. A really, really crowded train.

Guy #1 "Uh oh"
Guy #2 "What you gotta take a shit?"
Guy #1 starts looking a little green.

Not wanting to witness a shart or any type of involuntary loss of bodily functions on the packed B train, I moved to another car. So sadly, I do not know how that little scenario played out.

Three giggling girls, possibly lesbians.

Girl #1 "I noticed a new habit that you have picked up"
Girl #2 "Oh yea? Which one? The one where I feel compelled to stick my finger in other people's cleavage?"
Girl #1 "Yup, exactly"
Girl #2 demonstrates on Girl #3. Pretend that they are hot if you must. They weren't, but hey, whatever.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Beer Goggles for a Virtual World

So, I've just experienced something new and different, at least for me.

I've now entered the realm of Virtual Beer Goggles.

Virtual Beer Goggles occur when one is, duh, intoxicated, and cruising a (legit) dating website for knights in shining armor who will be willing to come to her rescue at a moment's notice, and well, you know, rescue her.

I found myself in awe of all of the good looking men who were online last night, just waiting to be contacted by moi and have their socks knocked off. I sent out email after email, one more witty than the next, just knowing that all of these men were going to fall madly in love with me just from the very sight of me and my drunken ramblings...

Not surprisingly, I did not hear back from anyone, at least not right away.

One by one, the reply emails are popping into my inbox like acne on a teen boy's chin...and one by one I'm looking at their profiles going "who are these people?" None of them look familiar to me. The guy who I thought was "charmingly scruffy" just sort of looks like a dorky fat guy. The one who seemed almost out of my league, turns out he might be a little cross eyed.

Because I was wearing my virtual beer goggles...

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

You N Me Babe, How About It?

If I was actually the kind of person that thought that Missed Connections actually worked, I'd post something like this:

Me: Adorable blonde munchkin, hair in bun, weathered black leather jacket and Frye boots, jamming out to Stoned Roses and eye fucking you like my life depended on it.

You: Tall, lean brunette with lumberjack facial hair, looking dorkalicious in your dijon mustard colored cords and LL Bean jacket. You stood in the doorway after getting on around Wall Street, with your bedhead hair and lopsided smile, and I noticed.

You got off at Union Square, but not before giving me a meaningful stare, which I took to mean "Yea, I see you, and I note that you want to strip me of my mustard cords, down to my lean, sinewy body in my Calvin boxer briefs, and climb me like a tree"

So yea. If I was the type of person to post such things, I'd totally post that.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Freaks and Geeks - Homecoming

I finally finished watching all five discs of My So Called Life (disc six doesn't count, it's all extras...can you imagine my horror when I realized that I had just watched the last episode ever and there was no more? I cried. I mean really, Angela just rides off into the sunset with Jordan and leaves Brian in the dust after that letter he wrote? And does she ever become friends with Rayanne again? The suspense, people!)

Either way, now that I'm done with THOSE assholes, I've moved back on to Freaks and Geeks.

I became obsessed with this show last year, after never having seen it before in my life. I was told over and over how amazing it was but could never understand why. I then pilfered Lesty's DVD collection and watched the entire series in a week. Every night before I went to bed I just HAD to see what was going to happen next.

One of my favorite scenes EVER is this one, the Homecoming Dance. Sam is the perfect little faggy freshman in his suit, and he's so awkward it's delicious. Plus they're playing Come Sail Away by Styx, which is STILL a total hookup song to me. Ha!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Stop the Insanity

If I could jump right into the middle of the movie "Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind" right now, I most certainly would.

When the fuck is this ever going to END.