Thursday, January 21, 2010

Men of 2009 Part II

Forgive me readers, for I have neglected you all and left you in suspense...the Men of 2009 has left you dangling and waiting for more. Never fear, because you knew that I wouldn't let you down...there is PLENTY more to discuss.

Truffle Man

Truffle Man was the very last guy from that I went out with. I decided that no matter how it panned out,,, and the rest of the douchebaggy dating sites were getting thrown out the window. I really enjoyed Truffle Man's company, we had a lot of things in common, but I didn't feel any attraction to him. I thought that a third date would perhaps be the deal-breaker for me, and we tried several times to make the third date happen, but he was having some family issues (very ill twin brother) that were keeping him from being able to make plans, so I took that as a sign.

I actually sometimes think about him and want to send him a friendly email to see how his brother is, but that would probably be weird and misconstrued. So..moving on.

LA Dude

Strewn throughout most of this time period was an ongoing correspondence with a very insane and nutty, but lovable fella.

One random nondescript day sometime in the Spring, I received a Facebook friend request from a guy in LA that I did not know. Moments later, an email landed in my inbox from a friend of mine, to me, with the LA guy copied on it...trying to "set us up". I'm guessing that he probably saw my picture, inquired about me, and next thing we knew, we were on some weird Facebook blind date! I didn't think anything of it, after checking out his profile and deciding he was cute and harmless (and lived 3000 miles away, so really, in the grand scheme of things, who gives a crap anyway?) Little did I know how all of those things were so incredibly WRONG.

So, we exchanged a few emails. At one point he told me he was coming to NY for a work thing, sometime over the summer. Again, didn't think much of it, sort of tossed out a "cool, let's have a drink when you do." And never gave it a second thought.

Somehow, we started following each other on Twitter...and that's kind of where the magic somebody manages to find love on Twitter I'll never know, but I, of course, managed to do it.

First, the DMs. That moved on to texts. Texts turned into phone calls. Late night phone calls that went on for hours. Phone calls turned into sending each other silly photo texts...and now I'm starting to learn he wasn't cute at all (he was gorgeous) and he was kind of not harmless (in fact, a bit of a heartbreaker and dirty, oh so DIRTY). Photo texts turned into webcam chats, and then he books his trip to NY and before I know what's happening he is on a plane and headed to Brooklyn, for a week.

I waited for his arrival in my local bar, nervous as all get out. I mean, for fuck's sake, we spent 3 months talking and texting and webcamming and we knew some pretty intimate things about each other, and I knew I found him attractive and vice versa, but in person, who knew? The risk of disappointment when I put myself in these insane situations is SO high. But I had a gut feeling, and I went with it.

He walked into the bar and we literally started making out right there on the table. I think the patrons and bartender barfed in their mouths a little. The chemistry was pretty instantaneous, and for a week or so, we pretended we were a couple and madly in love, and it was probably one of the funnest weeks I've had in my adult life.

(at the end of the week he magically transformed from Prince Charming back to a frog, but I choose to omit that from my memory because, you know, I enjoy living in a fantasy world, obvs).

Birthday Present

I met Birthday Present a few years ago right after my ex and I split. He was yet another too young guy and at the time I was going to eat the heads off of any guy who came anywhere near me. And forget about the young ones. I swore off those FOREVER....well it turned out that Birthday Present had an on-again off-again girlfriend so our mutual curiosity of each other morphed into a friendship. But throughout the friendship, I was still curious. And he was cute.

Friends of ours used to comment on our chemistry, and we would just brush it off or laugh and do the whole "oh we're just friends" dance. But sometimes friends know us better than we know ourselves, I think.

This past summer, I had a birthday party at a bar a few blocks from my apartment, and Birthday Present was one of the attendees. I was never 100% sure when he was on or off with the girlfriend, but I'm hoping that he was off that night because, well, I fucked him.


Let's just say the mutual curiosity was definitely peaked after that, and I gave myself multiple birthday presents that night, and for several months afterwards. In fact, I am still receiving the Birthday Present :)

So, I guess you'll have to stay tuned for what happens next, cuz your guess is as good as mine!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Men of 2009/Part I

Aught-nine was fraught with naughtiness, much of which I have neglected to discuss for a variety of reasons.

This is definitely late in coming, but what better way to start a new year than to take a look back at the Men of 2009. Some of whom you don't even know about yet! Yes, I've been very, very bad, keeping secrets from you all...but honestly I've been more concerned with my job situation than anything else...but I think it's time to go back in time and see who made the cut, who didn't, who was the biggest asshole, and who broke my heart. Oh if only I could make a calendar of the Men of 2009!

At the top of the list we have Remax2, who probably played the biggest role in my blog this year. Beginning with this very confusing and conflicting situation at the beginning of 2009. I spent many, many months misreading his signs, wishing, waiting, hoping...which erupted into a horrible late night drunken screamfest one night. It almost ended our relationship, but somehow, we talked it out, and since then, we have been purely platonic and Best Friends Forever. It blows my mind when I think about the feelings that I thought I had for him, but upon further investigation I truly believe I was avoiding the inevitable, ie, having to meet a real person and have a real relationship. Remax2 was my fantasy, but our friendship is a way better reality then the fantasy ever could have been.

Fake Remax2
One day I received an email on from a Remax2 doppelganger and I, of course, thought it would be a GREAT fucking idea to go out with him and "replace" Remax2. We met at a bar in between our two neighborhoods and he was quite adorable. Our chemistry was obvious and before I knew it he was grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me passionately right there in the middle of Classon Avenue on a freezing January evening. I told him I wanted to take things slow, somehow he ended up coming home with me--we practically ran the 15 or so blocks to my apartment, partly from the cold, partly so we could make out some more. I remember there was a hand job involved, and he wore tighty whiteys.

I also met Smug on and he wanted to make me his girlfriend from the minute we said hello. I was hesitant to jump into something so quickly but ultimately found myself putting aside my fears and letting things just happen. Shortly thereafter, Smug broke up with me in a text message, stating that he was just crazy. I decided to agree with him, drank half a bottle of bourbon, and moved on.

Shithead Ban (this is what he is listed as in my cell phone)
I met Shithead Ban at a bar one night while out with my friends for a Hen Party. We exchanged phone numbers and, surprisingly, he did call me one night in an attempt to get together. I had him meet me at a friend's bday party where I managed to seduce him and lure him back to my apartment although he claimed he was allergic to cats. Why HE is the shithead I will never understand, since I was the asshole that lied and deceived him in order for cheap sex. What you all DONT know is that I saw him one night a few months later while trolling on (that damned site again...thankfully I have abandoned this venue for good) and he came across as SUCH a tool. I considered myself lucky that I had dodged a bullet, sent him a message wishing him luck with his dating endeavors, and then blocked him so I wouldn't have to see his smug, toolish face in my search results ever again!

Tall Guy
The first time I met Tall Guy he told me he could never date me because I was too short, and then we spent the rest of the date making out.
There were a few other dates after that, but he really wasn't kidding, he was super self-conscious about our height difference. (He is 15 inches taller than me).

The problem was, we really liked each other, and often after nights of drinking we would end up on the phone until 3am, talking and pretending we were going to hook up, but never actually doing anything about it.

One night, I was out with a friend, and I texted him to say hi, and as luck would have it, he was in Brooklyn, not far from me. Next thing I knew, friend was ditched, and I was waiting outside a divey bar for the Tall Guy, not really knowing what was going to happen next.

Thankfully, I found out soon enough, and I was certainly not disappointed. Let's just say that what they say about size, it's all true.

The next morning he didn't bolt like I thought he would, wanting to take me to breakfast and then lingering for hours, walking around the neighborhood and finding all sorts of excuses to not leave. Finally letting him get on the subway felt bittersweet to me, because I just knew that he was going to remember his height issues and that was going to be that...for almost a split second after receiving a really sweet email from him suggesting that we get together again, I was hopeful. But, as I figured...he moved on to search for a 6 foot amazon princess that wouldn't make him feel like such a giant.

So that's the first six months of 2009. Stay tuned for Part II, which will be posted shortly!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Unenjoyment 2010

As I write this I can't even believe that this has become my life. A year of hope for better things has pretty much turned into total despair with the arrival of the new year.

Today I spent 20 minutes waiting for a Dept of Labor person to get on the phone and explain to me why my benefits have expired, and why I'm not eligible for the new extension. I have so many questions that nobody seems capable of answering, and that the FAQs portion of the Unemployment website does not cover. My situation is complicated. I freelance, plus I was penalized for a stupid move I made over the spring. I have not actually received unemployment benefits since July. Basically forcing me to spend the last six months being a "slutty cowgirl" when there were absolutely no funds coming in. I have since paid my penalty, which would make me eligible for benefits again, no?

Which is why I called the Dept of Labor, and waited for 20 fucking minutes. I want someone to explain to me what my rights are, what I'm entitled to, what I have to look forward to. Because as much as $1600/week ain't much, it's better than nothing.

I finally got a dude on the line who I could barely understand. If there is an accent that sounds like marbles, then he had it. He could only speak to me at an elevated decibel, bordering on yelling, and spent a good ten minutes berating me. I'm not exactly sure why he was berating me, as his marble accent deterred me from understanding him completely, but I felt like I was talking to my dad circa 1986. It made me cry.

And, of course, when the call was over I still had no answers.

I'm stupidly putting off a visit to the Dept of Labor headquarters. The idea of standing on a line for an entire day in the hopes that I can speak to a person with half a brain is just too much for me to deal with. But I guess it must be done.

Full-time jobs are still few and far between. I was lucky enough to have a good 3 month streak of work at the end of last year, but I'm not confident that I will find more anytime soon. So my new obsession is thinking of things that I am passionate about that could translate into some sort of job. In no particular order, here is what I've come up with: sex worker, burlesque dancer, food taster, cocktail waitress, or mattress tester.

Of course, I could just give in and find a sugar daddy for once and for all.