Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Texting is the New Post-It

I met Smug about 3 weeks ago at my favorite local bar.

Smug is ridiculously attractive in a way that was just not my type. Prematurely salt and pepper hair kept him from being too pretty, or maybe it's what made him pretty...who knows...we spent a good couple hours in the back room of my bar getting to know each others' tongues inside and out, he felt me up, we called it a night.

I had reservations about Smug from the get go. He was too "right" for me. Nice guy, smart, good job, not a fuck-up, was way too into me...yea maybe the way too into me part was what was freaking me out the most. I mean, what kind of a loser would want to date the likes of ME, right? Yea, girls are retarded. Or intuitive...

It all seemed too good to be true...this guy wanted nothing else than to be my boyfriend. For someone who has been looking for this very thing for so fucking long, I sure was finding every reason in the book to resist him...but it all seemed to be happening so fast. By date 3, he was telling me he wanted to be exclusive. I told him it was way too early to be deciding that and that we should really slow down a bit. By date 4, he was telling me things about himself that I just really didn't want to know yet...by date 5 we were having the "where is this going" conversation. He got upset with me when, prior to date 6, he was going to have to wait 5 days to see me again...he made me feel so horribly guilty for being so busy that I rearranged my entire schedule to make room for him (canceling a date with another guy in the process...because as much as I wasn't ready to be exclusive with Smug, the fact that he was seemed reason enough to dump all the other dudes). Date 6, as we laid on the couch making out, he told me he missed me. I said it back...out of obligation. Then we did it for the first time, and I learned that his hair wasn't the only thing about him that was premature.

I was definitely finding myself on the fast track to a relationship that I hadn't really signed up for. Everything about him was screaming WRONG WRONG WRONG. But I thought it was fear. I've been caught up in my obsession with Remax2 for so long...caught up in thinking I know what I want out of a guy, sticking to a certain "type" (starving artist losers with lots of facial hair and no money, for one). I wasn't feeling sparks with Smug. I wasn't feeling gaga over him. I know when I'm feeling gaga over someone...I become obsessed. When I'm with them I want to touch them 24/7, never take my eyes off them, never want to get out of bed. I want to feel their hands on ME and just devour them. Definitely wasn't feeling that with Smug. I certainly enjoyed the attention and he made me feel good. I just figured it needed time. I kept telling myself it was too soon to know. I guess if you want to believe something badly enough you will.

Date...where are we? 7? Date 7...he asked me to go over to his place as he was feeling under the weather. Which was fine...I was at Other Cheese's for brunch all day and was totally down for some low-key hanging out. I had started to loosen up a bit and allow myself to give in to the feeling of maybe being in some sort of relationship-ish situation and just see where it went.
We ordered in, snuggled on the couch, talked about "the future" and for the first time in the 3 weeks since I'd known him I felt like I could really maybe fall for this guy. I finally felt the spark, I knew that if I was patient and let myself relax and just have fun, that it would kick in. I mean how could it not? Smug is an amazing, great guy that I have been waiting to meet for a long time!


So...not 12 hours after I have this amazing, ground-breaking revelation, I get a text. It goes something like this:

" It was good seeing you yesterday, but I have to be very up front about something with you. I really enjoy your company but after spending some more time with you, I am feeling more of a friendship vibe between us. I am not sure that I am really feeling the spark. I know that may sound crazy since we have been physical, but sometimes I criss cross the lines of friendship and something deeper. I don't wan't to hide how I feel and I don't want to play any head games. I have been thinking about this a lot...You are a very cool person and I would love to remain friends with you if you feel the same. I need to nip this in the bud because I certainly don't want to hurt you or give you any false impression.

I got dumped in a text.

By a guy who practically FORCED me to be his girlfriend.

Are you kidding me?

Besides the fact that this was completely unexpected, I was at a recruiter's office, filling out 43 pages of paperwork, waiting for an interview. So here I am, trying to remain composed, yet all I want to do was jump through the phone and strangle him.

I realize that his text embodies everything that I had been feeling for the last 3 weeks...I just find it curious that he starts to feel this way the MINUTE he senses that I am getting into HIM...hmmm...very curious...so I delve deeper. I tell him I am not getting dumped via text, and that I want to discuss this in person.

His answer: "I'm not free til Weds. I'll pencil you in"

Excuse me?

Now I'm livid...this asshole, who pursued me relentlessly for 3 weeks, is now dumping me, via text no less, and pencilling me in for next Weds..who are you???

I started screaming at him, if that is possible to portray screaming via cellphone keypad...I told him he was unbelievable...that I deserved a little more respect than that...that it was so curious that the minute I start falling for him he decides to pull away.

You know what his excuse is? That he is nuts.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, that was the best that he could come up with. "I'm really sorry. I have issues. I have done this in the past, and I am not going to do it again..but clearly I am nuts."

I was like "Yea, keep playing that nut card, it really seems to be working for you."

He said, "It's not you, it's me."

I said, "Go fuck yourself, eat shit and die."

I fucking KNEW something was off about him. Seriously...I am going with my gut instinct from now on. When I smell fear, I am running FAR, FAR away....and right into the arms of the nearest facial-haired, starving artist loser. At least with THEM, I would expect this type of behavior!!!


The Dutchess of Kickball said...

At least with the artist loser you won't get a text message dumping, they will paint you a picture instead.

I can not believe guys think that that is an acceptable form of communication.

Scott Jones School of Dance said...

"I learned that his hair wasn't the only thing about him that was premature." Zing! LOL

That guy is crazy. It is good that it ended b/c he wasn't good for you. But to waste your time and rearrange your schedule for him is infuriating!

kristen said...

what i want to know - who the fuck sends a text message that long?

wack job.

i like cheese said...

Dutchess-the artist loser would write me a poem or paint me a picture, cry a little, claim he was nuts, but I would be ok with that, because I would expect it LOL

SJSD-Who can I blame but myself, really? Next time, I definitely listen to my gut.

Kristen-It's not me, it's him.

Rachel said...

i love reading your blog because I date douchebags and jackasses, and you are the only other person in the blogosphere who seems to suffer from the same affliction so...severely?

Susan said...

"I learned that his hair wasn't the only thing about him that was premature." I second the Zing!

It's a shame that 3 weeks went by, but at least he didn't pull the fast getaway (no pun intended with the above quote)3 months down the road...or 3 years. You don't deserve just a little respect -- you deserve a lot!

PS. Maybe there's a reason I can't -- or won't -- text?!

Susan said...

Holy crapping hell, Cheese. Zing approval x3. The text message was absurd. I would have only been able to get 3 lines of that sent to my phone. Who does that? But there are crazy psychological forces at play here: You both aren't attracted to someone who is so available to you. There is no challenge in it. Therefore, no spark. And so with me too...

Wow. So much has been learned from "women who love too much" and 2 therapy sessions... :)

Erika said...

Pencil you in? For real? Who says that, even to a "friend"?

At least he admitted he was nuts.

Digital Fortress said...

I totally condone castration by blunt force trauma for this idiot.

Gets the booty and then bails. Makes it harder for men who want to find a woman to connect both mentally and physically. Douche bag.

annie said...

OK...this guy probably swings both ways....it's too bad you couldn't have just said...OH I am so glad you feel it too, I was trying to figure out how to tell you that there is something off about you.
OH and NO I don't want to be your friend!