It's Not Me, It's You

The dating website that I fondly like to call "crotch.com" and I are through.

I'm pretty sure that this is a permanent breakup. We've parted ways before, only for me to go crawling back with my tail between my legs, promising that this time will be different. No, really.

I can honestly say (this blog is proof) that in the last 12 months I have gone out with approximately 25 men. Most of them one-offs. Or jerk-offs, whatever the case may be.

I'm tired of getting that stupid little email everyday: "Here are your Top 10 matches that we've chosen for you", laden with men who are anything but a good match for me. I'm tired of getting emails that go like this: "U R Beautiful", from men who are half my age and cannot spell. Or emails from men who are twice my age and look like they are about to croak. I'm tired of reading one more profile that says "I like to go for long walks on the beach, and explore all that the city has to offer." Who the FUCK DOESNT LIKE LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH, I ask you? I loathe when I take the time to write a perfectly crafted note to someone, making a point of mentioning something of interest in their profile, making a silly joke, clearly I am a woman with a brain AND I'm cute...just look at my pictures! And then I see that they've viewed my profile, and moved on.

I have no idea what these assholes are looking for. I am attractive, I am funny, I am clever. I have looked at other women's profiles..thinking maybe everyone on here is a fucking model. Maybe they are all neurosurgeons, have PhDs, clearly they all have something that I don't...but in viewing other women's profiles I see that there is a wide array of females looking for love, and I am definitely in the top tier of those women, if I do say so myself.

Perhaps if I spent less time worrying about what people who don't even know me think of me, I would pay a little more attention to what is going on down here in the real world, and eventually, Mr Right will make an appearance in 3D, rather than in a little postage stamp sized picture on my 12-inch screen.

It Was Bound To Happen

My sister and I are pretty close, both in age and otherwise.

She is two years younger than me, lives nearby, and as much as we are completely opposite, we are most definitely 100% related, and it's pretty obvious when the two of us are together.

Earlier today we were hanging out like two giggly schoolgirls, farting around on Facebook and checking out each others would-be suitors on dating websites, getting a chuckle out it all, because let's face it, it's all a fucking joke.

Later in the evening, I'm hanging out with the gang at our local haunt, and during a visit to the loo I got a call.

"Cheese, we have a problem," she laughs into the phone.

I can't even imagine what it could be, but my curiosity is piqued. "What's up?"

"Cheese, Justin Bobby just emailed me on Crotch.com"

I stopped peeing mid-stream and just shrieked with laughter.

Justin Bobby is some dude who, when drunk earlier in the weekend, I received an email from...he was too old for me, and not someone who I normally would consider dating, for a million reasons, but he sent me the most hilarious message that I couldn't dismiss...so I emailed him back, which ensued in a continuous stream of mail that went on through the weekend, ending in him asking me for a date...

When Sis was over earlier today, I showed her said string of emails, because quite frankly they really were hysterical and needed to be shared.

In high school, she and I hooked up with a lot of the same guys...and in college she stole one of my boyfriends right from under my nose, but as adults, we have managed to avoid this sort of situation..until now.

Granted, I have not met the guy, and I wasn't actually going to accept his invitation to dinner, but for fucks sake, there are 50,000 other women in our age range on Crotch.com, and you have to go and pick my SISTER?

I suspect this is not going to be the last time this happens...Lord....