Aught-nine was fraught with naughtiness, much of which I have neglected to discuss for a variety of reasons.
This is definitely late in coming, but what better way to start a new year than to take a look back at the Men of 2009. Some of whom you don't even know about yet! Yes, I've been very, very bad, keeping secrets from you all...but honestly I've been more concerned with my job situation than anything else...but I think it's time to go back in time and see who made the cut, who didn't, who was the biggest asshole, and who broke my heart. Oh if only I could make a calendar of the Men of 2009!
At the top of the list we have Remax2, who probably played the biggest role in my blog this year. Beginning with this very confusing and conflicting situation at the beginning of 2009. I spent many, many months misreading his signs, wishing, waiting, hoping...which erupted into a horrible late night drunken screamfest one night. It almost ended our relationship, but somehow, we talked it out, and since then, we have been purely platonic and Best Friends Forever. It blows my mind when I think about the feelings that I thought I had for him, but upon further investigation I truly believe I was avoiding the inevitable, ie, having to meet a real person and have a real relationship. Remax2 was my fantasy, but our friendship is a way better reality then the fantasy ever could have been.
One day I received an email on crotch.com from a Remax2 doppelganger and I, of course, thought it would be a GREAT fucking idea to go out with him and "replace" Remax2. We met at a bar in between our two neighborhoods and he was quite adorable. Our chemistry was obvious and before I knew it he was grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me passionately right there in the middle of Classon Avenue on a freezing January evening. I told him I wanted to take things slow, somehow he ended up coming home with me--we practically ran the 15 or so blocks to my apartment, partly from the cold, partly so we could make out some more. I remember there was a hand job involved, and he wore tighty whiteys.
I also met Smug on crotch.com and he wanted to make me his girlfriend from the minute we said hello. I was hesitant to jump into something so quickly but ultimately found myself putting aside my fears and letting things just happen. Shortly thereafter, Smug broke up with me in a text message, stating that he was just crazy. I decided to agree with him, drank half a bottle of bourbon, and moved on.
Shithead Ban (this is what he is listed as in my cell phone)
I met Shithead Ban at a bar one night while out with my friends for a Hen Party. We exchanged phone numbers and, surprisingly, he did call me one night in an attempt to get together. I had him meet me at a friend's bday party where I managed to seduce him and lure him back to my apartment although he claimed he was allergic to cats. Why HE is the shithead I will never understand, since I was the asshole that lied and deceived him in order for cheap sex. What you all DONT know is that I saw him one night a few months later while trolling on crotch.com (that damned site again...thankfully I have abandoned this venue for good) and he came across as SUCH a tool. I considered myself lucky that I had dodged a bullet, sent him a message wishing him luck with his dating endeavors, and then blocked him so I wouldn't have to see his smug, toolish face in my search results ever again!
The first time I met Tall Guy he told me he could never date me because I was too short, and then we spent the rest of the date making out.
There were a few other dates after that, but he really wasn't kidding, he was super self-conscious about our height difference. (He is 15 inches taller than me).
The problem was, we really liked each other, and often after nights of drinking we would end up on the phone until 3am, talking and pretending we were going to hook up, but never actually doing anything about it.
One night, I was out with a friend, and I texted him to say hi, and as luck would have it, he was in Brooklyn, not far from me. Next thing I knew, friend was ditched, and I was waiting outside a divey bar for the Tall Guy, not really knowing what was going to happen next.
Thankfully, I found out soon enough, and I was certainly not disappointed. Let's just say that what they say about size, it's all true.
The next morning he didn't bolt like I thought he would, wanting to take me to breakfast and then lingering for hours, walking around the neighborhood and finding all sorts of excuses to not leave. Finally letting him get on the subway felt bittersweet to me, because I just knew that he was going to remember his height issues and that was going to be that...for almost a split second after receiving a really sweet email from him suggesting that we get together again, I was hopeful. But, as I figured...he moved on to search for a 6 foot amazon princess that wouldn't make him feel like such a giant.
So that's the first six months of 2009. Stay tuned for Part II, which will be posted shortly!