Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Tis the Season to be an Asshole

I was wandering home from my company holiday party last night in search of a cab. Well, let's be honest, I was in search of munchies, and then a cab, but I certainly did not want to embark on the long ride home without some sort of sustenance. I mean I live in Brooklyn for God's sake. It's like traveling to a foreign, faraway land.

I was sort of hoping Tisserie on 17th Street was still open, but no such luck..as I just about gave up on both the food AND the cab, I found myself eyeing Maoz.

I've seen this place a bunch of times, but never gone in. From what I could tell, its a Felafel joint that is sort of like Quiznos, with a fixin's bar that rivals the salad bar at Outback Steakhouse..not that I have ever been in an Outback Steakhouse, but I imagine that is has a kickass salad bar. You know what I mean.

I waited on line, completely oblivious to who or what was around me. I had a gym bag and my usual giant work bag slung over my shoulder. I hummed to myself, drunk as can be, I might have even been swaying a little, who the hell knows. I felt my gym bag jiggle. Then again. And yet again.

It finally dawned on me that my gym bag was being punched. I followed the movement and found myself staring into the eyes of a very unattractive, probably lonely, angry woman, who looked about 5O due to her pinched up constipation face, but was probably closer to my age.

I asked her why she was punching my bag, and she told me it was because I kept banging her with it.

Now, mind you, I probably was being a little unaware of my surroundings, and I don't doubt that my bag hit her, but A} all she had to do was step back a foot and saved herself a lot of aggravation or B} tap me on the shoulder politely and ask me to please chill out.

So I told her that. Very nicely, probably slurring my words, maybe I swayed a little, maybe I didn't. Again, who the hell knows. She looked at me as if I were insane, and kept repeating over and over, that I was banging into her with my bag, and I needed to stop. I finally couldn't listen to her anymore, and I started yelling "shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!" {I am the QUEEN of snappy comebacks, let me tell you}. She replied, "You NEED to control your BODY" and to that, I shrieked "YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. ASSHOLE!"

At this point, there was a line behind us, and people were starting to snicker. I turned to the front of the store and waited patiently for my felafel. I could hear the asshole muttering to herself. She just wouldn't let it go.

Seconds later, I got my food, twirled around on my heel, and managed to whack the bitch with my bag. Hard.

I ran like hell and didn't look back. This girl ain't stupid!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Listen up all New Yorkers!

The Internet is here! That means you should stop using the phrase "on line" when you actually IN a line. You are confusing people.

i like cheese said...

I guess "On line" would refer to standing in a line, whereas "online" would refer to being on the internet. Very different things. No confusion necessary.

roopa said...

Maoz is awesome, and I presume it is even more so when eaten drunkenly!

I love your outburst; I would totally do something like that. :D

Dre said...

what a hooker! i would have freaked out on
her freaking out on me! i hate bitter old
ladies!

Todd said...

The whole "on line" thing really bothers me too, but congrats for hitting the lady!

kristen said...

dear anon & todd...

did you know that 'on line' vs 'in line' is actually a regional dialect type thing??? and, in NYC, on line is the way most people say it? its one of the only places in the country that its true, but guess what? the cheese is in NYC...

accept it and move on.

on another note, you inspired me - i went to maoz for lunch today and it was fucking awesome.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

haha this cracked me up..i had a similar incident on the subway once and some girl actually pushed me and my huge gym bag off together at a stop...

brookLyn gaL said...

Over the summer when we had that rainstorm/tornado and the subways broke, I found myself on a wayyyyy overpacked bus- I mean not even a centimeter of extra room left- and the bus driver kept letting people pile on. This bitch started yelling at me about how my bag was digging into her back- as though I was putting it there for fun and as though she was the only person suffocating. So I asked her where exactly she would like for me to put it because I couldn't see anywhere else for it to go. And then in my head, I added "I can't see anywhere else for it to go- besides up your ASS!"

Michelle L. said...

The midwest is overrun with Outback Steakhouses and I am very sad to report that they have no salad bar. Perhaps if they did have a salad bar, I would agree to return to one. However, as it is, I fake a seizure and play dead whenever someone suggests that I accompany them there.

nova said...

Elise, I love you. You make me laugh (in a good way) (btw, outback doesn't have a salad bar-