Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Family Secrets

It's always fun to attend a family gathering during the holidays, and walk away afterwards with jaw-dropping information about various family members that you never needed or wanted to know. Such as-

-One of my cousins was pissed off that her boyfriend either cheated on her or was already married to someone else while they were dating...and so she hired a hit-man to kill him. Although the murder was never carried through, my cousin was indeed found out, and her father took the heat so that she wouldn't have to go to jail.

-Same cousin's grandparents had a suicide pact, but when it came time to execute it, the grandmother backed out, leaving the grandfather to die. Apparently, general belief throughout the family is that the grandmother was planning on watching her husband die all along.

-Another cousin, who mysteriously "moved to Atlanta" suddenly back in the 9O's, in actual fact had become pregnant out of wedlock and given birth in secret, giving the baby up for adoption.

{that one put me in near coronary failure, as I have been close to said cousin as adults and I never would have even guessed that that had taken place...}

-The most horrifying of all of my family secrets would be this--my mother is obsessed with dolls and stuffed animals, which is pretty obvious if you enter her living room on any given holiday, as she has a bunny that she dresses up in seasonal clothing, as well as bears, cats, and crazy dolls of all sorts of shapes and sizes. One of my biggest fears in life is one day I'm going to inherit these hideous creatures, every last bear, cat, doll, and the freakin' holiday bunny.

At any rate, I hang my head in shame while I disclose this last family secret...yesterday I found out that each of these creatures has a name, and my mother proceeded to introduce me to each and every last one by their "proper" name, even going as far as to point out that one of the bears has a giant ass, and therefore fits right into our family.

Oy vey.

So there you have it, a treasure trove of family jewels that I didn't even know existed. Anyone else got some gems they want to share?


kristen said...

cousin with the hit man is my new hero.

DrunkBrunch said...

Oh man. I have a very dirty and gut-wrenching family secret to share with you in person.

Let's just say that "slut" runs in my family!

roopa said...

I'm with kristen: cousin with hit man is awesome.

Speaking of murderous families...this guy that Matt is friends with (I think Matt was his best man in his wedding, not sure) has a murderous sister. The guy's married sister had a lover and apparently the sister and the lover killed the husband. Crazy.

I bet I have family secrets but sadly I will never learn them because my parents are tight lipped about those things.

Colleen said...

families are damn weirdos.

Susan at One-Woman Show said...

You had me at the hitman hello...

The question on the stuffed animals/dolls is: do they have birth certificates showing their proper names a la the cabbage patch kids we had growing up?

Maybe you should start calling them naughty nicknames in front of your mom so she'll bequeath them to a sibling...or a cousin instead!

Happy New Year