I'm having a rough day over here, hating on my job big time and just wishing someone would swoop down and take me away from it all. The writer's block has kicked in with no mercy, so I headed over to "Dirty Jobs" on discovery.com, to see if I could get some ideas of jobs that are worse than mine.
In my foraging around, I discovered "Mikes Top 10 Smelliest Places I've Been", and because I only have half a brain right now, I thought I'd steal this concept and make it my own. But you're only getting five. Because I'm lazy.
5. My current bedroom
Not sure what is going on in there—I discovered the smell on Friday night after not really being there most of the week. It's a cross between a dead mouse and a skunk that fell in a vat of 3-week old horse shit. I've searched high and low for where it can be coming from but my schnoz is failing me and I can't seem to locate the source of the stench. There's a very strong possibility that it is coming from dead body that may or may not be hidden inside of a bench that I found in the garbage and drunkenly lugged home at 1am after a night of too many dirty martinis at Flatbush Farm. Far be it from me to throw the thing back out onto the street, stank or no.
4. Artisanal Restaurant
As much as I do like cheese, and I do love Artisanal and eat there whenever I get the chance, the whiff that you are accosted with when first entering the room is quite a shocker. I don't know how to explain it really. If you had a blindfold on, and someone took you there, you might guess that you entered a locker room filled floor to ceiling with feet that had been walking around in fifty year old sneakers with no socks. Why cheese tastes so great, but smells like ass, I'll never know.
3. The Ladies toilets on the beach in Long Beach, Long Island
There's nothing more pungent than a public bathroom that hasn't seen an attendant since 1987. On any given day, a line can be found out the door, with hundreds of women just WAITING for the chance to drop a turd, pee on the seat, or clog up the toilets with their dirty tampons. Sometimes they bring their children in there, and leave their diarrhea poop diapers for the rest of us. Special bonus: there's never any toilet tissue in the stalls, and the doors usually don't work. Get to see the stink unfold with your own eyes, if you dare.
2. Powerhouse Gym, Bayside, Queens
This is the place for all you ladies who are just hankering for a big, sweaty manly man. The joint is lousy with them, but of course, with big, sweaty manly men, you also need to wear a gas mask upon entering the room. The weight machines take up about 2/3 of this place, and Guidos of all shapes and sizes can be found pumping iron 24/7. Sans deodorant. If you could take the stench of machismo and bottle it, this would be where you would get it.
1. And the #1 smelliest place of all time, as per the Cheese, would be….drumroll…. under the covers of my boyfriend's bed after he's had the buffalo chicken sandwich for lunch.
So there you have it. The five smelliest places I've ever been. I'm so glad that I got that off my chest.