Everything You Ever Wanted to Know, and Then Some

The other night on Bret Michaels Rock of Love (yea, I love that show, get off my back!), Bret brought in all of the girls' ex-boyfriends so he could grill them and find out dirt. Which is so fucking twisted I can't even tell you, but I loved seeing all the discomfort on the boyfriends' faces. And of course, some of the girls had been hiding things, so they started to freak out when they realized that their secrets might end up right out on the table for Bret, and that if he didn't like what he found out, could send them home at the drop of a hat. Which would mean no more running their hands through his long, golden locks, no more caressing that bandana that is perpetually wrapped around his forehead. The tour ends here, my darlings.

However, if he has to kick off some of the skanks, this would make room for people like me, the nice girl. All I want is a chance to show Bret how hot a nice girl really can be. To get to straddle him on nationwide television and lick his face while caressing that bandana.

Of course, if he had to talk to any of MY ex's, the conversations would most likely go like this:

High School Ex
"Cheese was a great girl, as long as you didn't want to have sex or anything. I mean, if you were looking for a regular case of blue balls, she would be your gal. At least for the first year. Then, when i finally got her to give it up at a party like a year later, she never wanted to stop doing it. I thought my dick might fall off from all the sex. I guess that's not a bad thing when you're 18. She was also really possessive. She wouldn't let me go to the bathroom without asking her permission first. Do you think that might have been kinda creepy?"

6 yr ex
"What can I say, Cheese was perfect. Even after we broke up, I couldn't stop comparing all of my new girlfriends to my beloved Cheese. She was a firecracker, that one. One time she threw a sandwich at my head because I didn't change the channel fast enough and she missed the first five minutes of Melrose Place. But I mean, I totally deserved it. Melrose was her favorite. She was obsessed with one of her coworkers, but seriously, it was just a crush. I mean, the fact that we hadn't had sex in like, 6 months didn't mean anything, right???"

8 yr ex
"This girl is all show and no go. I mean, when we started dating, she totally gave me the impression that she would be ALL OVER the idea of having a threesome. But nooooo, I begged and pleaded for 6 of the 8 years that we were together, and she just wasn't budging. Friggin' prude. And can you imagine that when I gave her a strap on for Valentines Day, she looked at me like I had four heads and started to cry. What a pussy! No wonder I spend all day with my dick in my hand watching pornos...oh, did you not want to know that?"

Random 3-night stand dude
"She really, really likes it from behind, man."

BH ex
"Bret, if you like the jealous type, the Cheese is your woman. This chick is jealous of spambots on myspace. If I breathe next to another woman, she thinks we're having sex. One time I wanted to masturbate and Cheese thought I was cheating on her with my hand. But she gave a damn good blow job, and she made a tasty grilled cheese."

I dunno, I think I would pass with flying colors, don't you? ;)