Those of you who know me are aware of my distaste for small talk and idle chit chat. To me, sitting in silence is way less awkward than having the elevator conversation that goes like this:
“My. It’s cold outside.”
“Yes. I heard it was 8 degrees this morning.”
“Wow. That’s crazy.”
This also goes for awkward conversation on line at stores, in the gyno waiting room, and especially in the locker room at the gym.
I have recently taken up swimming in preparation for my upcoming
triathlon and most weekends you will find me at the pool, in my oh-so-sexy Speedo and penis-head swim cap, struggling to get a true 30 minutes worth of freestyle in.
As I was changing in the locker room, and doing my best to awkwardly cover myself up with the towel that is the size of a small washcloth, and not expose my girly bits to all in the near vicinity (yes, I am an exhibitionist, except for when I am in the lady’s locker room. For some reason, being in such close quarters with all those women makes me highly uncomfortable), I was approached by a stocky Asian woman.
“Where did you get that bra?” she demanded.
I looked down. I happened to be wearing a purple Body by Gap bra, purchased circa 2001. I don’t even know how it ended up on my body, I haven’t worn it in years.
Which I started to tell the stocky Asian woman. Hoping that would satisfy her and send her on her way. Instead, she started to ask more questions.
“Do they still make them? What colors do they come in? How much did it cost?”
Ok, does it say “Gap Sales Representative” on my forehead?
While trying to remind this woman that I really know nothing in the ways of Body by Gap lingerie, I look up to see another, well-endowed woman about to speak. She asks, “Do they come in larger sizes?”
I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!! JESUS CAN WE ALL JUST GET A GRIP AND MOVE ON FROM THE FUCKING BRA ALREADY?
But no…instead, I had to hear how this woman just CANNOT find a bra in her size, because you know, she is a 40 DD (and not in a good way. I promise you.), and she will walk into Victorias Secret and they just don’t have what she wants, ever, and would you believe that she has to go pick up her son from daycare now, and then go to work?
Oh God. It’s my worst nightmare. Small talk gone haywire.
I nodded. I smiled. I tried not to make eye contact but acted interested enough, in case she decided to go postal. I threw on my clothes and busied myself at the mirror.
And wouldn’t you know, she abruptly stopped talking. Put on her coat. And walked out of the locker room without so much as a “have a nice day.”
I mean, I’m going to listen to your bullshit for 20 minutes, you can’t even throw me a “have a nice day?”
To be sure, that is the last time I wear that purple bra in public. Who knew it would be such a conversation piece?