Tuesday, June 12, 2007

And You Thought My Other Blogs Were Bad

TMI ALERT-for those faint of heart or who don't want to know explicit details about my sex life, stay far away from this post.

For two people who are so incredibly compatible in the bedroom (as well as out}, my boyfriend and I have had our fair share of moments during sex that can only be described as, well, awkward, at best.

Our favorite moment, and the one the one that would least land someone in the hospital, would have to be the time that an unsuspecting Beehive, face between my legs, got a front row seat to what probably sounded like a symphony of tubas playing out of my butt.

"Whoa! Did you just fart?" a confused and amused Beehive came up for air.
"Uh. Eh. I don't know. I don't know." I stammered. I think I was hoping I could pass it off as a queef.

Why are queefs so much more acceptable anyway?

It was early enough in the relationship that I was pretty darn horrified at the entire thing, but Beehive thought it was hilarious, thank God.

A slightly scarier, but no less awkward situation, is the infamous bloody nose caused by sex in the shower creating need for an ER visit on a Sunday afternoon moment.

Thankfully, other ER visits have been avoided,but only just barely.

One such time was during a very amorous night back in February of last year. I will not go into details but it involved a fist, my vag, my white comforter and a bottle of Lestoil. Use your imagination with that one.

Most recently, I had the pleasure of being allowed to spectate, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Apparently , my face got too close to the money shot, because next thing I knew, I couldn't see out of my left eye.

"Ow. I think I'm blind", I shot up off the bed, totally ruining the moment, and lept to the bathroom.

"My eye is swelling up " I screeched. Beehive followed my panic to my left eye, and just started laughing. One eye was way bigger than the other.

Funny, yea, until I have to go to the ER. I could just picture filling out the forms.

"Cause of accident--semen in the eyeball."

Yea, TOLD ya this was TMI.


Ha Ha Sound said...

Rock on, loved this post. Nothing like reading something raunchy to liven up the workday.

As for your, ahem, embarrassing emanation, I think that girls are always more embarrassed by that stuff than guys. Like we're not going to want to have sex with our girlfriends if we discover that, horror of horrors, they fart, too. Trust me. Won't happen.

i like cheese said...

Thx for the kind words. I was starting to wonder if I'd gone too far with my TMI...but I always kind of do, don't I. ha!

The Cajun Boy said...

tuba playing out of the ass is so in this season

eric the beehivehairdresser said...

For the record, it wasn't just a fart. It was a realy loud and airy fart that caused me to laugh until I cried for a good ten minutes.

beagle said...

This blog was hilarious. Awkward sex happening always make for good blogging! I hope your eye is feeing better!

Colleen said...

Are queefs more acceptable?
We print tales such as these in Naked Man Magazine™, should you ever want to submit any and possibly win a prize...

MsPuddin said...

I wonder...do queefs smell like farts??? lol great post

PS- 250 yrs old, gosh, you're old