Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Das Boot

The time had come to pay a little visit to my girl-crush, the podiatrist. As I've previously mentioned, the podiatrist is Tina Fey hot, and going to visit her is like hanging out with my cute, hot friend who I may or may not be bi-curious about ;)

Tri season is upon me, and my feetsies are pissing me off yet AGAIN. I headed over to ersatz Tina Fey's office and got her to adjust my orthotics. Yea, that's what we're calling it these any rate, I mentioned to her that I was having a weird pain in my left heel/ankle, especially when I first woke up in the morning.

"Oh, you've got plantar fasciitis," she said, very matter of factly.

WTF? Why did it sound like she was telling me I had the clap, or some equally horrible va-jay-jay disease? What on God's earth is plantar fasciitis?

To make matters worse, she reached into a closet and pulled out THIS monstrosity:

Apparently, I'm supposed to wear the friggin thing at night, while I'm sleeping. It is supposed to stretch out my heel so that the pain is minimal upon awakening.
I guess things could be worse, I mean, at least I don't have to be the tard walking around town during the day in that thing...however, this accoutrement does NOT fit in well with, say, one-night stands..."Oh pardon me while I extricate myself from your hot warm body, so I can put my boot on before we fuck..otherwise we might fall asleep and then I'll forget." Yea, not so much.

I left the office, bewildered at the most recent ailment old age has brought me, but excited to try out my boot and ward off the evil pain that had been bestowed upon me.

I strapped myself into it and settled into bed that night. I managed to fall asleep pretty easily, but probably woke up every hour or so, with the feeling that a weight had been strapped to my ankle. Not pleasant. Even the cat was put off by the contraption and refused to sleep in the bed with me. Fucker. If I've gotta suffer, you've gotta suffer! But whatever, he's a cat, and a fair-weather friend. So what can you do?

The next morning I felt exhausted, AND my heel was in more pain than ever.

A few more nights of this, and I realized that, not only was I not getting any sleep, but my heel was just feeling worse and worse. Last night, I tore the thing off my leg, and threw it across the room. This morning I stepped over it on my way to the loo, and noticed that I had no pain, my heel felt just fine.

I guess another trip the podiatrist is in order. Boo hoo. ;)


Lioux said...

Oh, come on now.

You just want to see your girl-crush.

And I would totally rock a pair of monstrosities with one of my next one-night stands.

Some of us think they're sexy...

Clinton said...

I totally have that too. It sucks. I wasn't aware though that there is a boot available to fix it (it's not like I go to the doctor or anything).

Midwesterner in NYC said...

Hmmm, with that boot all you need is a few more accessories and you will be Iron Man. That's fun right?

i like cheese said...

Lioux--Girl-crushes are pretty neat.

Clinton-Dude, worst thing EVER. Don't even go to the doctor, the boot is a sham. I haven't worn it in a few days and I feel better already!

Midwesterner-Love it!!!