Saturday, April 19, 2008

Can You Stand It?

I realize that I haven't posted a blog in exactly one week, and sadly, there is a reason for that.

My life, dear friends, has been filled with oodles of ennui. Self-induced, I will admit.

I've had this low-grade melancholy following me around for a few weeks, which really sucks-what with the weather getting nicer you'd think I'd perk up a little, but nooooo, leave it to me to get sadder when the birds start chirping and the flowers start budding!

I joined Booze Watchers (as Irish would call it) at the beginning of the week, since my company is offering the in-office plan with a discount. I figured, what the hell, I could stand to lose a few pounds. Ha-a few my FAT ass...I was chagrined to see that I had gained about 10 pounds since my breakup. Well, to be fair, I had lost about 10 pounds at the onset of the breakup, so really, I just gained it all back...but STILL! When I got on that scale and saw the number, i was pretty sure I was going to hurl it at the 80 year old woman doing the weigh-in (question-why the FUCK are those weigh-in women always a million years old? And this one was wearing leggings and high heeled boots with a tunic. Pinky swear).

So I am now one of THOSE people. Counting points and whatnot. Which always makes for a fun night out. Um, no.

But whatever, in 3 months I will be svelte, and amazing. And maybe then I will be ready to start having sex again.

Yea, I've become celibate, apparently. I am staying away from all things phallic. It just seems to get me into trouble. Which also means that I am not dating, either. Although Kristen and I are going out tonight for our official post-tax season ho-down. So we'll see what happens then. But probably nothing. Cuz i'm celibate, remember? Although, we seem to do quite well together, there's something about our chemistry that attracts guys to us like white on rice, or flies to shit, or pigs to mud. Or something.

I do recall one night of hanging out where I was soooo smitten with some hipster doofus at the bar, but was just feeling uber shy and couldn't do anything about it. Kristen marched on over there and befriended him and all of his dudes, of course I ended up going home with the one guy who I thought was actually gay at the beginning of the night (turned out hipster doofus was also way drunk and couldn't carry on much of a conversation, much less was he in any state to mack on, so yea...he was forgotten).

The other day this person was in town again, and I was too busy to see him. Which means that, apparently, I AM capable of saying no to him. Well I'll be!

Thurs my friend P and I hit the LES for some cocktails, starting at Local 138 and ending at 151. As I already mentioned, I was counting points and being a general lame-o, so honestly the most exciting part of the night was when, sitting in 151, we were suddenly assaulted with a very potent smell. Nay, this wasn't a smell, it was a STENCH the likes of which I've never experienced before--and we all know I used to date the biggest farter around. Seriously, people were leaving the bar in droves from the smell, it was a combo of sulfur, rotten eggs, old chow mein, and fresh colonic. Or something. So disgusting.

At any rate, that was our cue to leave, and it was pretty hilarious to witness the mass exodus of hipsters from 151 bar-as we were exiting, one chick pointed to her friend and was like "it was YOU". I did not stick around to hear him confess or deny.

Yea, life's pretty exciting around these here parts.


Colleen said...

I've totally put on the freshman 15 since moving down here. Not good. Fighting that.
We cleared out of a bar in NY recently for the same reason, but it was wafting from the bathroom.

Lioux said...

There's lots of excitement all around a lot of my parts, too.

Just the ones that don't seem to be broken though.

nova said...

you already are amazing! I sometimes forget that about myself (in those deep dark 3am moments when I stress about things I shouldn't) but we are amazing women!!!Hang in there!

i like cheese said...

CoKane: It must be all that CHEESE you are eating ;)
(but nevertheless, Freshman 15 sucks, and I feel your pain!)

Lioux: I think I have some broken parts in these here parts as well. It's a problem, I tell you.

Nova: You and I always see eye-to-eye on such matters. We are amazing, and we also stress about things in the middle of the night.