It's 8:30am, and I was up pretty friggin late last night.
I usually put my phone on silent but due to a friend in need, I left the ringer on..and wouldn't you know it, it binged and binged at the ungodly hour of 8am...I got up to see who the hell I was gonna kill, and saw SIX text messages in a row waiting for me.
I didn't recognize the number, but it was signed-Joe Pesci-my very first crotch.com date ever.
I sorta blogged about it, and then deleted it, but in a nutshell, I went out with Joe Pesci roughly a month ago...with no interest on my end whatsoever...but he got me rip roaring drunk and we ended up talking about, well, probably things I shouldnt have been talking about on a first date. When I realized I was going to possibly give in to my beer goggles, I ended the date, and ended up going home with a friend of mine, who, er, took care of me. And good.
This is the message, so long it came in six different texts, that I received this morning:
"How are you Cheese?
I can't stop thinking about you and what you said about your sex drive (*ed note: what the fuck did you say, you floozy?)
As you can see, I am not on crotch.com anymore. I stopped because women lie too much and are too expensive for a man who wants to get ahead in life (!)
That said, I must tell you that you missed out on great sex with me. I'm not one of those guys who thinks he's good-I will tell you facts. I can ejaculate several times and still maintain an erection. I am well endowed-long and very thick (this is about where I almost died. Almost. From fear). I learned how to suck pussy by two lesbian high priced prostitutes (now THAT is how to get a woman to sleep with you, buddy) and I enjoy pleasing a woman that way. Most of all, I think you are gorgeous (pshaw. lil ole me?) and if you spent one day or night with me, you would come back for more. I guarrantee (SIC) it. I will throw in a great dinner and a bottle of wine-how can you go wrong? "
I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I have ever in my life received such an offer. At 8am no less. How can I resist? (*ed note-she's kidding folks. Don't lock her away just yet)
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, never underestimate the power of a good Cheese!