Saturday, April 12, 2008

And Good Morning To You Too!

It's 8:30am, and I was up pretty friggin late last night.

I usually put my phone on silent but due to a friend in need, I left the ringer on..and wouldn't you know it, it binged and binged at the ungodly hour of 8am...I got up to see who the hell I was gonna kill, and saw SIX text messages in a row waiting for me.

I didn't recognize the number, but it was signed-Joe Pesci-my very first crotch.com date ever.

I sorta blogged about it, and then deleted it, but in a nutshell, I went out with Joe Pesci roughly a month ago...with no interest on my end whatsoever...but he got me rip roaring drunk and we ended up talking about, well, probably things I shouldnt have been talking about on a first date. When I realized I was going to possibly give in to my beer goggles, I ended the date, and ended up going home with a friend of mine, who, er, took care of me. And good.

This is the message, so long it came in six different texts, that I received this morning:

"How are you Cheese?

I can't stop thinking about you and what you said about your sex drive (*ed note: what the fuck did you say, you floozy?)

As you can see, I am not on crotch.com anymore. I stopped because women lie too much and are too expensive for a man who wants to get ahead in life (!)

That said, I must tell you that you missed out on great sex with me. I'm not one of those guys who thinks he's good-I will tell you facts. I can ejaculate several times and still maintain an erection. I am well endowed-long and very thick (this is about where I almost died. Almost. From fear). I learned how to suck pussy by two lesbian high priced prostitutes (now THAT is how to get a woman to sleep with you, buddy) and I enjoy pleasing a woman that way. Most of all, I think you are gorgeous (pshaw. lil ole me?) and if you spent one day or night with me, you would come back for more. I guarrantee (SIC) it. I will throw in a great dinner and a bottle of wine-how can you go wrong? "

I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I have ever in my life received such an offer. At 8am no less. How can I resist? (*ed note-she's kidding folks. Don't lock her away just yet)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, never underestimate the power of a good Cheese!

10 comments:

DrunkBrunch said...

Your online dating stories are what is preventing me from paying for said services!

Oh, where did I put those batteries... :)

i like cheese said...

Dude, save your money, and buy yourself a vibrating Ernie head. Much more satisfactory and Ernie is way more attractive than most of the men I find on crotch.com.

Irish and Jew said...

omg! Wow that is insane behavior, i thought the guys that used to send me pictures of their erect penises like 5 minutes after i had met them at the bar had problems. Well... they did have problems, i'm sure but your guy is insane!

i like cheese said...

Ha! Yea...I've had those guys too, but somehow, cameraphone pix of their penises seemed way more sane than trying to woo me over with his knowledge of sucking pussy, learned from a bevy of high priced lesbian prostitutes. LOL.

Either way, where are the normal guys????? Or ARE these the normal guys? :(

Lioux said...

Oh.

It seems Joe Pesci®™©™ forgot to mention how HUMBLE he is about his mad bedroom skillz, too.

Unless of course, you edited that part out, Cheese.

So@24 said...

...

Wow.

Wow.

This HAS to be pure fiction... right???

i like cheese said...

Lioux-Nope, no, Joe Pesci seemed to neglect to mention his humbleness in that SIX PAGE LONG text.

SO@24-I'm thinking the high priced prostitute part was made up IN HIS DREAMS, but the text message exists, word for word. Scouts honor.

Lioux said...

Was the text SIX PAGES LONG front AND back?

i like cheese said...

Haha. Yes, it was SIX PAGES LONG front and back, and he doodled little hearts and penises in the margins. It was sweet. ;)

Under-Employed Girl said...

Thought you'd be excited to know...
It's National Cheese Month!

http://www.iheartgrilledcheese.com/