So I woke up this morning with the most enormous feeling of dread--not uncommon as we all know--but today's dread felt different than the norm.
I couldn't put my finger on it, but it felt like something really awful had happened the night before. What the hell had I done the night before? My night was pretty damn uneventful, having come straight home from my volunteer gig at the cat shelter, made Egg Beaters for dinner due to my fridge being empty, and sat in front of my computer trying to write, coming up with nothing which escalated into yet another "what am I doing with my life" panic attack. You know, the usual.
Slowly, it all started to come back to me. I saw a bar...I think it was pianos on Ludlow...and a microphone...and singing...
Haha..no, I didn't go to Karaoke and get really drunk last night...although I miss my Monday night Karaoke, oh yes.
However, I did have a dream that I was doing a show, I guess at pianos. I had a whole set that I had to do, and I knew that everyone I knew was going to be there, so I panicked, and I sang the entire set in a made up language, and tried to pass it off as French! And I think I did a couple of songs in faux Chinese as well! I remember writing down my set list on a piece of looseleaf notebook paper, in what language I have no idea...and then getting up on stage and belting my little heart out. I believe one of the songs went like this, "Mooshu hala looolooomalika grrrrr." I'm not sure if that was the French or the Chinese version, but I recall feeling all sorts of proud that I had gotten away with such a feat.
Then I got off stage and realized that I may not have fooled everyone. That some people were going to realize that I was a big, fat faker. And then I freaked out. How was I going to backtrack and fix this? Could anyone really prove I was singing in fake languages? I tried to remember who was in the audience...fuck!
As I write this, I realize that this dream is a metaphor for the way I feel about my life most of the time--walking around feeling like a fat ole faker.