Funny Little People

Something that most people I know find really bizarre is that my boyfriend and my parents live three blocks away from each other, and, until yesterday, had never met. In fact, they have never been within 100 feet of each other, as far as I am aware.

This was due to a number of things, mainly, that, according to one of my friends, I am a "funny little person". In addition to this, my parents and I are not the closest of families, and we are not ones to just "get together" in a casual way. Thus making any meeting between them and the boyfriend the most awkward of situations, as any meeting between the two parties would most clearly be a big to-do, almost like a Beehive Coming Out party. And I really didn't want that kind of pressure.

In all the times that I have stayed at the boyfriend's place, I have never bumped into my parents. In the entire year and change that we have been dating, I have seen my parents once, from afar. And I hid, if I recall, behind a tree.

Now, I'm not a TOTAL psycho. They know I'm dating a boy named Beehive. They know he lives nearby, and that I spend a lot of time there.

Lately, they have been asking a LOT of questions. And these are not question-asking people.

OK. So I know the time is coming that I have to marry the two camps of Beehive and Mr and Mrs Cheese.

I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out how to go about it without making a big huge deal. Do I invite them all over to my house for wine and cheese? Do we all just meet for brunch in the neighborhood? Do I bring him to a family function to deflect all attention from him?

Yesterday, I was coming back to the Beehive Nest from the gym, and stopped at my usual Starbucks for a post-workout Mocha.

I heard someone call my name, looked up, and there before me was my dad. This, as I have mentioned, has never, ever happened. How is this possible? My luck had been so good up until now!

It turned out he was waiting for my mother to show up-oh joy!- and they were going to grab some lunch.

Both seemed to be in good spirits, excited to see me, going as far as seeing a friend of theirs on the street and pulling him into the Starbucks--my mother practically getting run down in the street while flagging the guy down--so he could see their daughter. Look, she exists! Look, she does tricks!

So I took the bull by the horns, and invited Beehive to meet us for lunch.

I know I know, what a cruel thing to do, catching him off guard like that. Fuck it. It was now or never! The parents were in rare form, and I was going to take advantage of it!

My freshly shaved, contact-lens wearing boyfriend showed up, and the questions began.

“So, how do you like the neighborhood?”

Translation: How many times have you banged my daughter today?

“Where do you work?”

Translation: Do you fuck her in the bedroom, or do you sometimes spice it up a bit?

“Have you ever eaten here before?”

Tramslation: “Are you planning on impregnating my daughter and giving us grandchildren anytime soon?”

Ok, I’m exaggerating just a tad.

The non-question asking people stayed true to form and didn't bombard him with annoying queries, instead they politely continued their conversation and snuck peeks at him when he thought they weren't looking. Probably trying to figure out if he was indeed as young as he looked, and had their daughter been trolling the local high schools again?

I will say that my father was as giddy as a schoolgirl during cheerleading tryouts...and was quite friendly and open. The only time I ever see him behave in this fashion is when he is around extremely cute people.

So I guess my father thinks my boyfriend is a hottie. Go me!