Sunday, January 18, 2009

Functional Dysfunction

As much as I have about 8 million topics that I need to discuss with all of you, in light of the fact that I've been gone yet AGAIN for so long...I thought it was time to address my latest man situation, or lack thereof.

I have set up a sweet little deal for myself, that I like to call the "Can't Have Ya Trifecta".

It is made up of two recurring players in my life, Remax2, and Tall Guy (bet you forgot about HIM, eh?) and a new candidate who we will call the Bandaid Crush.

The deal is this...I don't have sex with any of these dudes, but in some form or another I have romantic feelings for them (none of them knows this, I don't think) and I just keep them around as friends. It's a win-win situation. They stick around, I never have to worry about being rejected, and I get to actually spend quality-time with them stress (albeit sex) free.

It's a weird little defense mechanism but it seems to be working. And the best part is, when one or two of 'em stages a disappearing act once in a while (which they always do. boys will be boys!) there's always a third one to keep me company in the meantime! It's a brilliant little plan!

Of course, it's highly dysfunctional on so many levels...for example, these are the kinds of conversations that Tall Guy and I have on a regular basis:

Him: "I've been dreaming about that hot little ass of yours. GOD I want that ass. So did you find a job yet?"
Me: "When am I going to finally get to sit on that giant cock of yours? Eh, still working on my resume."
Him: "Fuck me. Please."

We have been known to have such conversations for several hours, long into the night, when one of us should have just gotten in a cab and been at the other's door, for fuck's sake. But I think the beauty of our little arrangement is that we can keep this going pretty much until one of us gets sick of it...and so far, nobody seems to, so.

Remax2 has been doing a good job of keeping up his end of the friend bargain. I'm pretty impressed with his persistence and consistence. Um..but we're going out and getting drunk tomorrow night, to prepare for a nude photo shoot that we've been planning for months. Cuz I can't just have, like, a NORMAL relationship with the guy, that would just be too weird. Ha.

Bandaid Crush is a recent development, we met a couple months ago and I sucked him into my dysfunction, poor guy. He's new to the city new to the single world and I am merely showing him the ways of the land. So far, he's been my the most consistent out of all the members of my Bizarre Love Triangle...probably because he hasn't caught onto my insanity yet.

So there you have it, you've been invited to get a glimpse inside the mind of a genius. We'll see how long I keep this going before I want to either poke my eyes out, jump off a cliff, or at the very least, smash my vibrator against the wall.


The Dutchess of Kickball said...

I think it is imperative that you just go ahead and fuck Tall Guy.

i like cheese said...

hahaha. believe me, I know! he's 6'7"...ALL of him ;)