Douchebag

The other morning I'd left myself as little time as possible to get to work, which is a pretty normal occurence.

These days, however, I'm trying to eat better/save money by bringing my day's worth of food to work. Which is great, except for when I decide to make a batch of guacamole to go with my frozen Amy's Burrito. And it's already 915 and I still need to put my gym crap in a bag and get my ass on a train.

I peeled the avocado quite easily. So easily that it slipped out of my little paw and started to tumble down the front of my dress. I caught it in the nick of time but a piece of avocado stuck to my black sundress. Fuck. I flicked it off and didn't think twice about it as I proceeded to mash up the rest of the green yummy goodness.

I finally got myself out of the house, and onto the subway. I was feeling pretty accomplished. I'd managed to remember my lunch, my gym stuff, I got some makeup on and my hair wasnt half bad. Not such a horrible morning. Til I looked down and saw the green goo.


Yes yes. Green, nasty, boogery looking goo, all down the front of my flouncy cute dress. Motherfucker.

I held my large bag in front of my body so no one would think I'd been slimed a la Ghostbusters. As much as I knew there was nothing I could do about it, being that I was on the train, I just couldn't stop obsessing about it. What if the shit didn't come out? I was so not going to walk around my office with avocado jizz smeared all over me. The horror.

Thankfully, I am insane about vag freshness, and therefore had a package of Summer's Eve pussy wipes in my purse. You bet your ass I whipped that shit out, yanked a fresh wipey from the pack, and rubbed myself with it.

Not only am I classy, but I am also resourceful.