Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Those Damn Rules

I'm sure none of you could tell, but I am not one to subscribe to the general rules of conformist society. Which I think is a very, very good thing. Except, my guy friends are trying to reign me in when it comes to dating.

I never really thought about such things as "the 3 date rule"...letting the guy call me first...not making the first move..playing hard to get. I mean, if you like someone, what's the big fucking deal? I've never been good at playing games, my poker face might as well be an "O" face and I get bored during Monopoly.

But, from what I understand, in these modern times of ours, men are still horribly antiquated in their dating rituals and beliefs, and I've been doing it ALL WRONG all this time. Can you fucking believe it??

Which means that, I'm not supposed to act on any impulsive instantaneous attraction to any of the guys that I date. I am supposed to act like a perfect little lady, let them give me a peck at the end of the night, and then I demurely slink off into the darkness, letting them wonder what mysteries lay underneath my mini skirt.

I am not to email them the next day, but instead wait the dreaded three or so days for them to contact me. When they ask me for plans, I am not to answer immediately, but instead make them wait, to give the impression that I am slightly unavailable.

Believe me, I have not gone insane. And I have not read that horrible book "The Rules" that makes me want to just vomit all over my Frye boots. This is advice that I am getting from trusted buddies of mine who allow women to act in such freakish ways.

I don't get it, but hey, I'll give it a try.

Enter Mysterious Guy. Mysterious Guy and I have been out twice now. I have a certain, inexplicable attraction to Mysterious Guy, but personality-wise I don't think we have a lot in common. However, he is the perfect candidate for this crazy experiment I am conducting..let's see how long I can keep him interested in me.

First date, he complimented me. A lot. He commented on my cleavage. How badly did I want to shove his face right in there, get a little motor boat action going right in the middle of the bar. But no...I had to sit there, clench my teeth, thank him, and start talking about clowns, or something. Anything to divert the conversation away from my twin peaks.

At the end of the night, he tried to walk me home, but I insisted that he go on his merry way. In truth, I was really craving a slice of pizza more than I was craving him, anyway...so it wasn't that much of a sacrifice. But I did let him kiss me, a lot. Kept my tongue where it belonged and told him I'd talk to him soon.

Well I'll be. I got a text from him later that evening making sure I got home ok. And an email the next day. And by Monday, he had asked me out again.

Date #2. An improv show and dinner. Again, conversation steered down a forbidden road. He asked me what my favorite sexual position is. I told him I didn't think that was appropriate dinner conversation *coughreversecowgirlcough*. I was amazed at how difficult it was for me to not lapse right into a full on discussion about the merits of doggie style and which of my four vibrators works best in that position..but I was good, and kept it clean.

I let him walk me to the train, and we made out on the steps, til some horrible teenagers walked by and screamed out "Oh look, they're in love." At least I hope they were teenagers, and not, like, people I work with or something. We broke away, he said he'd talk to me later and I scurried down the stairs like one of those subway rats I keep seeing on the tracks.

So now, I need to see if I've made it to Date #3.

I asked Ha Ha Sound what I should do now, the conversation went like this:

ME so. guy from sat night and i have emailed a few times since our last date...
he's asked me out the last two times
should i ask him for plans?
or wait and see if he asks me out a third time?
do you think it's wrong if i say "i'll make it worth your while"

Ha Ha Sound: yes
just wait
let him call
he'll call

Soooo....I wait.

But if I make it to Date #3, I hear there is a prize for being patient. And we all know what that is.

Fuck, yea!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Break Time

I woke up this morning with a complete feeling of dread. I couldn't put my finger on it, save for the fact that I've been feeling pretty down the last few days-and then I remembered that I have this entire week off.

Now, any normal and sane person would be ecstatic to realize that they will be spending the next seven days doing whatever they want, not having to report in to their job, being able to travel, or go to the gym for 10,000 hours, or sleep in and watch the telly if that's what they're so inclined to do.

Me, not so much. Me, I need to get all freaked out at the idea of having way too much TIME on my hands to obsess about stuff. Spending quality me time with Me is never a good way to utilize days off. Especially when in this sort of droopy, dreary, oh woe is me mood that seems to have overtaken me of late.

Looking for love in all the
wrong places has become my main focus in life, which I fully admit and take ownership of. But all of my efforts are absolutely getting me nowhere, obviously, so something clearly needs to change. Every couple of weeks I say to myself that I am going to quit dating cold turkey, and just coast for a while...build my friendships and work on me..but then some testosterone-emitting penis-wielding jerk always gets in the way! It doesn't help that I have absolutely no patience whatsoever and I refuse to allow myself time to get to know someone in a "proper" manner. But I'm learning, I guess...it's so hard to be good when one is in the prime of one's life and horny as fuck.

It's also really bullshit to realize that my last two boyfriends have completely moved on and are in relationships...I hate doing the comparison thing but hell if I'm not going to give into that little indulgence. It makes me feel even more pressure to be coupled up, which I know is ridiculous and childish but dammit, I wanted to win that game!!!

In all honesty, competition and horniness aside, I really am ready to find myself back in a twosome. I have a lot of love to give, I just need the right fucking person to want to accept it.

But this week off isn't about all that. This week off is supposed to be the gateway to finding myself in a better place. Thinking about my career, reaching out to people and networking, thinking about ways to make extra money other than this, cleaning up my act a little, and learning how to be more zen about things. I realize all of this is not going to happen in a week, but at least I can get the thought process going.

Except, I'm totally fucking depressed and all I want to do is go back to bed.