I woke up this morning with a complete feeling of dread. I couldn't put my finger on it, save for the fact that I've been feeling pretty down the last few days-and then I remembered that I have this entire week off.
Now, any normal and sane person would be ecstatic to realize that they will be spending the next seven days doing whatever they want, not having to report in to their job, being able to travel, or go to the gym for 10,000 hours, or sleep in and watch the telly if that's what they're so inclined to do.
Me, not so much. Me, I need to get all freaked out at the idea of having way too much TIME on my hands to obsess about stuff. Spending quality me time with Me is never a good way to utilize days off. Especially when in this sort of droopy, dreary, oh woe is me mood that seems to have overtaken me of late.
Looking for love in all the
wrong places has become my main focus in life, which I fully admit and take ownership of. But all of my efforts are absolutely getting me nowhere, obviously, so something clearly needs to change. Every couple of weeks I say to myself that I am going to quit dating cold turkey, and just coast for a while...build my friendships and work on me..but then some testosterone-emitting penis-wielding jerk always gets in the way! It doesn't help that I have absolutely no patience whatsoever and I refuse to allow myself time to get to know someone in a "proper" manner. But I'm learning, I guess...it's so hard to be good when one is in the prime of one's life and horny as fuck.
It's also really bullshit to realize that my last two boyfriends have completely moved on and are in relationships...I hate doing the comparison thing but hell if I'm not going to give into that little indulgence. It makes me feel even more pressure to be coupled up, which I know is ridiculous and childish but dammit, I wanted to win that game!!!
In all honesty, competition and horniness aside, I really am ready to find myself back in a twosome. I have a lot of love to give, I just need the right fucking person to want to accept it.
But this week off isn't about all that. This week off is supposed to be the gateway to finding myself in a better place. Thinking about my career, reaching out to people and networking, thinking about ways to make extra money other than this, cleaning up my act a little, and learning how to be more zen about things. I realize all of this is not going to happen in a week, but at least I can get the thought process going.
Except, I'm totally fucking depressed and all I want to do is go back to bed.