I am SMOKIN'

I've never been a smoker in the true sense of the word. I would bum one here and there from someone outside of a bar, or if I was feeling really naughty, I'd buy my own pack and stick them in a drawer...pulling them out as needed. A pack could usually last me a week or more (yes, I have been known to smoke stale old cigs. After a few vodka tonics, you just start to not care!)and sometimes I would even forget that they were there.

Two or three weeks ago, I was going through some personal stress, and the first thing I did was start smoking. I sat in my apartment one day and just sucked down those babies one after the other until I couldn't stand the scent of myself. My own sister, who smokes a pack a day herself, walked into my apartment and choked. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she spit as she readjusted her gas mask.

I wish I knew.

For now, dear friends, I have become a smoking fiend.

Of course, I think I'm being all sly about it. I sneak out at work and walk out the side door, where none of my coworkers will see me, lest they actually find out I smoke (cuz, you know, they can't smell it on my clothes or anything). I shove one into my mouth as I'm walking from point A to point B, because if I'm walking, it doesn't count!

This morning, as I did a pseudo walk of shame from the Beehive's house, I lit one up as I exited the subway to go back to my apartment. It wasn't even 9am...and because I am not a "real" smoker, I have forgotten the wonderful side effects of a morning puff--instant laxative! I found myself three blocks from my house and a dire need to poop..so not only am I disgusting, I am also about to shit my pants.

I think it's time to quit.

My latest fear is that I will stroke out in the middle of puffing away one night, and my decaying corpse will be found weeks later, the poor cat having eaten half my face off, a half smoked pack of American Spirits at my side.

It's DEFINITELY time to quit!!!!!

Edited to say that I just got carded in a deli for buying cigarettes. Good to know that the cancer sticks haven't aged me yet.