Tuesday, November 28, 2006

My Cat, the Prude

Some of you are already aware of my cat, Igby the Codependent.
Igby and I came together through a strange twist of fate, and it's been an interesting ride ever since.

This cat is so needy, he insists on sitting on my lap at all times. He likes to lick, a lot. I don't just mean little licks on your hand, we're talking full out TONGUING. He gets in the position, which is usually on his haunches, both paws on my shoulders, and slides his nasty tongue alongside my face, my mouth, my neck, my hair. I've had DATES that were less persistent...I have to laugh at what my neighbors think, seeing me sitting on my couch through the window, fending off this giant bear of a feline.

I've recently discovered, however, that the one way to get Igby to back off is the appearance of my vibrator.

My BOB (battery operated boyfriend) has been making more frequent appearances lately, especially late at night when I've been tossing and turning for hours. Lying there, staring up at the ceiling, wishing someone would come along and drop something on my head to knock me out, I reach into the nightstand and take out my trusty BOB.

The minute the thing gets turned on, the minute that whirring sound appears, and things get comfy, Igby gets up, sticks his nose in the air, and leaves the room.

Now, Igby doesn't have a problem when I am having frenzied sex with an actual person. I have to kick him out of the bed most times when I realize that he is sitting there, content as can be, when I am in the throes of ecstasy with a real live human. But take out a vibrator, and he gets all judgemental on my ass. I don't know if he is looking down on me for being so weak, or disgusted at my choice of apparatus (pocket rocket if you must know), or if he is morally opposed to masturbation. Whatever the case may be, I have definitely discovered a surefire way of getting the cat out of my hair, literally, for a couple of minutes.

And a surefire way of falling back to sleep.

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