All For the Sake of Friendship

tSeveral weeks back I was out for a friend's Hen Party in Nolita.

I was on (surprise!) somewhat of a manhunt it seemed, finding myself chatting up dudes of all shapes and sizes at every bar that we stopped at. Although I am clearly not the bride-to-be, you would have thought that I was the one about to get hitched, as I had had way too much to drink, and was channeling Tara Reid in a big way. Stumbling, slurring, inappropriate touching. A bar fight. Possibly even a wardrobe malfunction. It wasn't pretty

As I waited to order a drink, I found myself striking up a convo with a couple of guys who were out and about having a bro bonding sesh. Turns out that one of them, Ban, had just ended a 6 yr relationship a couple weeks before, and was none too pleased about it. The other one, Korn, kept trying to give me his seat...God knows why...I mean, maybe the swaying and falling had something to do with it. Either way, Korn and Ban were good sports, letting me feel special by infringing on their bonding moment and, at one point, Ban put my number in his phone, calling me immediately after and leaving me a cute message like "hey Cheese, it's Ban, I'm calling your phone." Awww...

Korn and Ban left us, but I made Ban promise to "call me sometime". In the end, he returned to the bar to hang out with me some more. No moves were made, but after we parted for the second time, many texts were exchanged.

A couple weeks went by...a few more texts were thrown back and forth, but ultimately, nothing was progressing, so I sort of just let it go. And then, out of nowhere, he just sort of showed up again, as men are known to do.

"What are the kool kids doing tonight?" he asked early on a Friday.

I invited him to meet me out at a bday party for a couple friends. Which was pretty risque on my part, I mean, I only had an inkling of what this guy looked like...my beer goggles were in overdrive the night I met him, and for all I knew, he was a bald, toothless douchebag with serious BO.

I got to the bar that night, and kept an eye out for the interloper. I seriously hoped that he was going to be able to pick me out of a crowd cuz man, it was crowded, and I was nervous.

Well, what do you know, I had nothing to fear. Not only did I recognize him right away, and vice versa...he was HOT. Like, out of my league hot. I was starting to wonder about HIS beer goggles the night that we first met, I mean, dude, I am so not your type. I can see that from a mile away.

No worries. He was happy to see me, gave me a big hug and we sat down at a table, just sort of hanging out..He bought me many drinks...we chatted about life. We talked about his break up. He maintained that he was sort of a mess. Was just looking to make new friends (read: I'm just not that into you) and was hoping that I could be one of them.

Hoo boy. Fucking friend zone. Yay.

We decided to mosey on over to another bar, where it was a little quieter and easier to have a conversation. We toasted our new friendship and then the subject of his new singledom came up.

He said that his friends keep telling him to sign up for J Date or Match. I put my foot down on that.

"Dude, you're not ready. You need some healing time." I admonished.

"But what about casual sex? I need to at least start having casual sex!" he pleaded.

Well duh.

I kissed him.

"Are we allowed to do that?" he asked. "Is this going to hurt our friendship?"

I told him, indeed it would not, as he needed someone to break the seal for him, and who better than a friend?

I really am a pal. The best!

So...we decided that making out in the bar was getting old, and he wanted me to go back to the Upper East Side, to his $5 million dollar apartment on 5th Avenue. Me, being old, set in my ways, and wanting to go to yoga in the morning, convinced him that Brooklyn was a lot closer, and quicker in a cab.

I casually mentioned that I had..um...a cat...or maybe 2.

"Oh, I'm sort of allergic" he said. How allergic? "On a scale of 1-10, I'd say 7.5"

I reassured him that my house was dander free, and that he would be fine. "You have Benadryl, just in case?" he asked. I ran through the contents of my medicine cabinet in my head. I knew damn well I did not have Benedryl. In fact, I am allergic to Benedryl. "Of COURSE I have Benedryl," I lied through my teeth.

Seriously. I am not going to pass this up. No strings sex with a guy who is WAY out of my league who has maintained that he is NOWHERE near ready to date anyone...and he was willingly going back to Brooklyn with me...if he needed to be taken to the ER later, so be it.

So we end up back at my place, cat hair floating through the air like tumbleweeds...if you think that I've cleaned my apartment anytime in the last month or so you can think again...we hightail it to the bedroom, where, of course the cats have been sleeping...one of them spread eagled on a pillow. "Do they always hang out in here?" he asked cautiously. "No, never, bad bad cats" I shooed them out and shut the door.

Later in the night, I awoke to my new friend pulling on his clothes in a frenzy. The allergic reaction kicked in. He was itchy. He needed to escape. Now.

I watched him leap out of my front door and into the blissfully cat free air outside of it.

"Call me sometime" I yelled after him.

Everybody's Got One

Last night I attended the Bandaid Crush's birthday dinner.

I was really flattered and excited to have been invited, since I am a relatively new friend. It seemed like quite an honor to have been included. I was a little nervous, however, as I don't really know any of his other friends, as well as his ex-girlfriend was going to be there.

A little background info on Bandaid Crush...he and his live-in girlfriend of 3 yrs recently (last 3 or 4 months I think?) broke up (initiated by him) but they have remained really good friends. Additionally, he is semi-involved with a woman who lives in another city, who he met through work...but he is "just not that into her" (he's actually told me this). Lastly, there is a woman he is devastatingly obsessed with who he used to date...who he has tried to remain friends with but I guess his feelings get in the way (sound familiar? Remax2 redux!). In addition to that she went lesbo and is now dating another woman. So he's got quite a bit of lady drama swarming around him, to say the least.

Of course, I always forget these things when I am alone with him, because when it's just he and I, it's like no one else exists as far as I'm concerned.

I walked into the restaurant, a little hesitant at first, until Bandaid Crush saw me and got up to greet me, giving me a big hug and a kiss. He led me over to the table, where 8 strangers sat, staring at me, wondering who the hell I was.

I recognized his ex-girlfriend, P Diddy, right away, you know, from Facebook stalking and whatnot. She was just as adorable in person as she is in pix. She actually knew who I was (score-it means he talks about me!) and the two of us became fast friends, much to Bandaid Crush's chagrin. By the end of the night, I knew quite a few secrets about him that I'm sure he could have lived without me knowing.

I introduced myself to the rest of the table and settled in for the night. I happened to be sitting next to Bandaid Crush but I noticed right off the bat that he was spending a lot of time with his head turned in the opposite direction, and then finally, he just got up and moved to the end of the table, where he was completely mesmerized by whoever or whatever was going on.

I sort of felt insulted, not that I should have..I mean, I was not there as his date, and it wasn't just me he was ignoring...he was ignoring the ENTIRE TABLE of birthday goers, and no one seemed disturbed by it, so I let it go and buddied up with his ex and flirted with his cute friends.

He did eventually come back to his seat next to me, but his attentions were definitely somewhere else...I couldn't really put my finger on it, because the only people sitting on the other side of him were these two women, both named Dr Han, who arrived together..

And then it dawned on me. One of the Dr Hans was his Remax2!

I didn't even realize that he was still that good of friends with her that she would have come to his bday party. And it didn't even register that the "friend" that she arrived with was her lover, the other Dr Han. What really gave it away was, his behavior reminded me of ME...I flashbacked to a couple Sundays ago when I had some friends over for the Superbowl. Remax2 arrived, and it was like nobody else was sitting there in my apartment eating my 7 Layer Dip and watching my tv...including Bandaid Crush! I completely ignored the entire room of people and stood in my kitchen with Remax2, hanging on his every word, making him drinks, making goo goo eyes at him.

It was hilarious to say the least, but once I had this epiphany during dinner, everything clicked into place, I could relax and really enjoy the rest of the night, knowing that Bandaid Crush was too far gone to rescue from himself, and my only function in his life at this moment was that of a new friend and nothing more.

At the end of the night, he and I took the train home together and he could not WAIT to get my opinion..."That was her! That was my Remax2!" he gushed.

Poor guy. I hope he knows what he's in for. Because having a Remax2 is really nothing to brag about.

Life

Today's one of those days that I just can't get motivated for.

I woke up this morning, and realized that I'd finally kicked this 2-week long flu/cold/plague that I'd had..but that it was replaced with a migraine and feeling of nausea.

The migraine and feeling of nausea may stem from finding out that one of my relatives is dying. Well I knew he was dying, but now he has an actual death sentence.

I can't even imagine how it feels to be told that one has 2 months to live. How do you take that? What goes through your head when someone tells you this?

I always said that if I was dying of something I wouldn't want to know, because it would be better to just drop dead one day so that I could live my life normally...knowing me I'd spend my last waking moments obsessing about my own death.

Or would I? Maybe I would actually do all the things that I keep saying I'm going to do. Maybe I would make my life worth living somehow. I'd write that stupid memoir....do something meaningful to help others...enjoy every minute I was on this earth with no regrets. Make amends with people who I wronged or who wronged me. Eat a LOT of fucking chocolate. Fuck a lot of guys. A LOT. Without condoms. Tell the people I love that I love them, all the time.

Maybe I'll just do all that anyway. I mean, I could be dying. It's not like anyone is going to tell me!

Oops I Did it Again

Well, by now you know me pretty well...and you know that I am incapable of keeping things simple.

Wouldn't you know it, I have ALREADY disassembled the Can't Have Ya Trifecta. I should never be allowed to have nice things! I don't take care of them!!

Remax2 came over for our "photo shoot" on Tuesday night...with a bottle of bourbon in tow. I was nervous as fuck..I wasn't really sure what he had in mind as far as what he wanted me to do. All I knew was that there was going to be nudity involved.
I wasn't so much worried about being nude in front of him..it's more the having to see the end result..I'm not too keen on having my picture taken, much less naked pictures taken, without a lot of good lighting and retouching!!

Turns out he wanted to see me in outfits. Of course, he's a guy. Guys are all about the outfits. So we picked out some stuff...it was kind of hilarious, actually. Being able to get inside the mind of a horny guy. He nicely informed me that the top I was wearing "wasn't doing anything for him." I was aghast and agape...that was my fallback date top! But apparently, nope, not a good look.

So...we changed my top. And we dragged my mattress into the living room and threw a white sheet over it...he wanted some sort of gritty downtown thing going on, with my brick wall in the background. I just went with it. Who am I to argue with the artiste?

We started out very innocent..as he calls them, "family style" shots. If you consider a black tank top, mini skirt hiked up to "here" and thigh high socks "family style". It was easier to pose than I thought, of course, the more bourbon I drank the more flirty and comfortable I became...but he was also really egging me on, telling me how sexy I am, pretty much adoring me with his eyes and his camera. I could sort of get addicted to this! Imagine that on my list of "interests": posing for erotica.

I was trying my hardest to keep things platonic and friendly--I mean, as much as you possibly can while you're all laid out on a mattress with your ass hanging out of a pair of boy shorts and the man you might be in love with is telling you how hot you are--every once in a while he would come over and adjust my hair, my bra strap..the brushing of his hand against my skin felt like I was being set on fire.

But when I needed to change outfits, I would employ a modicum of modesty and retreat to the bedroom to change in private. That shows that I was being respectful of our friendship, right?

The last outfit I was wearing, I seem to recall, was a brown mesh top with no bra underneath and booty shorts. I guess one can't really achieve a modicum of modesty in that outfit, but whatever...I went into the bedroom to find something else, and he followed me, and I don't know who started what, but all of a sudden there was kissing, lots of kissing, in the doorway of my bedroom.

"Are you ok with this?" I stupidly had to ask. I mean duh. Yea, he was ok with it. He was probably planning it since the beginning of time!

He said he was, but asked if I was, and then I sat him down and had "the talk". I figured, now is as good a time as any.

So I told him that I really liked our friendship, and that he was a way better friend than I ever imagined he could be, but I also had feelings for him and if there was any chance we could date, that would be great too.

And then he dropped the axe: "I only feel friendship for you."

Except he then proceeded to suck the lips off of my face. Hard. I mean, I guess I can't blame the guy...I was wearing a see through mesh top and all..and to prove even further that he only feels friendship for me, he proceeded to remove said mesh top and ravage me from top to bottom for several hours, and with a short slumber break, continue on through the morning.

With friends like him, who needs other friends?

So, the Can't Have Ya Trifecta has now been tainted. As for my good reputation, that has also been tainted. As for my friendship with Remax2, only time will tell.

A New Era?

I sat at home and watched the Inauguration today, and I wanted so badly to feel hopeful and positive.
Friends of mine went down to DC to see it live and in person...other friends had brunches to commemorate the occasion.
I sat at home and watched, in my pajamas, barely getting out of bed to do so. Not because I'm a hater, or because I don't believe.

But at the moment, I just don't fucking feel it.

I'm really excited about the fact that 8 yrs of shit is finally getting put to rest. That we have a President that I can relate to, that is a hundred years in the making, that is a fucking rockstar, and most importantly, seems like he's going to get shit done.

But the fact of the matter is that, the last 12 months have been kinda shite. And I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as much as I want to believe that Barack Obama is going to be my saviour, the man isn't Jesus, and I don't feel all that hopeful.

I hope to God I hope to God I hope to God I'm wrong.

Functional Dysfunction

As much as I have about 8 million topics that I need to discuss with all of you, in light of the fact that I've been gone yet AGAIN for so long...I thought it was time to address my latest man situation, or lack thereof.

I have set up a sweet little deal for myself, that I like to call the "Can't Have Ya Trifecta".

It is made up of two recurring players in my life, Remax2, and Tall Guy (bet you forgot about HIM, eh?) and a new candidate who we will call the Bandaid Crush.

The deal is this...I don't have sex with any of these dudes, but in some form or another I have romantic feelings for them (none of them knows this, I don't think) and I just keep them around as friends. It's a win-win situation. They stick around, I never have to worry about being rejected, and I get to actually spend quality-time with them stress (albeit sex) free.

It's a weird little defense mechanism but it seems to be working. And the best part is, when one or two of 'em stages a disappearing act once in a while (which they always do. boys will be boys!) there's always a third one to keep me company in the meantime! It's a brilliant little plan!

Of course, it's highly dysfunctional on so many levels...for example, these are the kinds of conversations that Tall Guy and I have on a regular basis:

Him: "I've been dreaming about that hot little ass of yours. GOD I want that ass. So did you find a job yet?"
Me: "When am I going to finally get to sit on that giant cock of yours? Eh, still working on my resume."
Him: "Fuck me. Please."

We have been known to have such conversations for several hours, long into the night, when one of us should have just gotten in a cab and been at the other's door, for fuck's sake. But I think the beauty of our little arrangement is that we can keep this going pretty much until one of us gets sick of it...and so far, nobody seems to, so.

Remax2 has been doing a good job of keeping up his end of the friend bargain. I'm pretty impressed with his persistence and consistence. Um..but we're going out and getting drunk tomorrow night, to prepare for a nude photo shoot that we've been planning for months. Cuz I can't just have, like, a NORMAL relationship with the guy, that would just be too weird. Ha.

Bandaid Crush is a recent development, we met a couple months ago and I sucked him into my dysfunction, poor guy. He's new to the city new to the single world and I am merely showing him the ways of the land. So far, he's been my the most consistent out of all the members of my Bizarre Love Triangle...probably because he hasn't caught onto my insanity yet.

So there you have it, you've been invited to get a glimpse inside the mind of a genius. We'll see how long I keep this going before I want to either poke my eyes out, jump off a cliff, or at the very least, smash my vibrator against the wall.

Another One Bites the Dust

A little-known fact about my life at the moment: Mysterious Guy and I have been seeing each other a little bit more than I have let on. Actually, although it was nowhere near exclusive, he and I have been in constant contact since before Halloween, and as much as I have decided about 400 times since then that I was going to end it, for some reason unbeknownst to myself and the gods of fate, I have allowed the relationship, as it were, to continue.

I always knew from day 1 that Mysterious Guy was never going to turn into anything major. There's always been an attraction between us, and I find him quite fascinating at times. He's brilliantly smart and has a dry sense of humor that, once I caught on to it, I rather enjoyed.

However, there are a million and one things that make him absolutely wrong for me. Let's see, there's his severe depression...that sometimes prohibit him from making simple plans, and that also prompt him to cancel plans at a moment's notice. There's his neo-con status...he's a gun-loving Obama-hater who doesn't believe in gay marriage. And he's obsessed with this. Like, to the point where it really freaks me out.

His social awkwardness was bad enough that i would never be able to introduce him to other friends...let's examine some of his finer moments:

-Upon telling him that my sister did not have breast cancer, his reaction was "That's good. Cancer's a real downer."
-His response to an email I sent him telling him I was free that night, if he was feeling spontaneous: "Calm down girl and take a cold shower. I'm in for the night."
-After not seeing each other for a few weeks, instead of greeting me with a hug, or a kiss, or anything resembling a sign of affection, he thought it necessary to tell me that I have really big teeth, and that he had never noticed them before.
-Before I ever met him (over 2 months ago) one of his cats had an accident on his bed, wherein he needed to dispose of the mattress and all his bedding. He has since been sleeping in a sleeping bag on his couch, and has no intention of purchasing a new bed, or bedding. And therefore is not capable of "entertaining" at his apartment. Or so he says.

Each and everytime, I am convinced that I am done, done, onto the next one. But something kept me there, whether it was that feeling of "well, it's better than being totally alone" or our insane physical chemistry, or what.

But tonight was definitely the last straw.

We had made tentative plans to meet at a local bar after I got out of a Sunday afternoon movie. I called to let him know I was heading to the bar, and he launched into one of his insane, paranoid rants. I told him he was a buzzkill and he should just get his ass over to the bar and have a drink before he spontaneously combusted. To which he started spewing more paranoid conspiracy shit...out of the blue...unsolicited...and a little creepy. My stomach started to hurt and I got that feeling of dread one gets when something doesn't feel quite right. He sounded insane.

I got really quiet. And he continued on with his rant. When it was over, he laughed, and turned into his normal self again...asking me if I instead wanted to come over to his place.

I had already started walking in the opposite direction, actually I think I might have been running, fast, somehow trying to outrun the creepy conversation that was following me no matter how hard I tried to get away from it. I told him it would be better if I just went home. He didn't sound surprised. He didn't try to talk me out of it. In fact, I think he might have ended the conversation with "next time you see the Chase logo, notice that it has a subliminal swastika in it. "

I thanked him for "enlightening" me yet again and hung up the phone. And removed his # from my contact list.

I am a lonely and crazy magnet. Does this mean that I, too, am lonely and crazy? I am beginning to wonder...