My Maternal Instinct Stinks

Remax2 and I were sitting in the backyard of my most favoritest tiki bar ever.

Somewhere in between many games of Jenga and a long, drawn out makeout session, a couple sat near us with a baby. The baby was about 1, and seemed to be intrigued by us.

The little fellow waddled over, and fixated on Remax2 (not surprising as he is super tall, red headed, and has giant hair. The dude stands out in a crowd!) The couple seemed relieved that their kid had wandered off and was being paid attention to, so they could have a moment of peace while sharing a couple of beers.

I never know what the fuck to do around children, I usually just ignore them to be honest, but since the little rugrat showed no signs of going away, I pulled my plastic palm tree out of my tiki drink and handed it to him. "Here you go" I cooed. "You can play with this!"

Remax2 looked at me in shock. "You can't give a 1 yr old a pointy piece of plastic! He'll stick in his mouth and choke on it!"

"Uh..."

"You don't know anything about kids, do you?"

I tried to protest, but clearly, he was onto me.

"No biggie," I scoffed. "I'll just take it from him."

Remax2 chuckled and rolled his eyes as I committed mistake #2.

I said to the little snotface, "Sorry honey, I gotta take this back. It's going to hurt you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," he shrieked, loud enough to make the entire bar sit up and take notice.

"No no honey, it's ok. I'm just going to take this back fr...."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." The little shitty pants grabbed onto the fucking palm tree tighter and blew one of my eardrums at the same time. Remax2 just all out laughed and tried not to say I told you so. I looked over to see if the parents were running over, ready to snatch their child away from the evil that lurked nearby, ie me. No such luck. They sort of didn't seem to give a shit.

Fuck it. I let the kid keep the palm tree.

And perhaps, this is why I'm old as fuck and still don't have kids....