My Maternal Instinct Stinks

Remax2 and I were sitting in the backyard of my most favoritest tiki bar ever.

Somewhere in between many games of Jenga and a long, drawn out makeout session, a couple sat near us with a baby. The baby was about 1, and seemed to be intrigued by us.

The little fellow waddled over, and fixated on Remax2 (not surprising as he is super tall, red headed, and has giant hair. The dude stands out in a crowd!) The couple seemed relieved that their kid had wandered off and was being paid attention to, so they could have a moment of peace while sharing a couple of beers.

I never know what the fuck to do around children, I usually just ignore them to be honest, but since the little rugrat showed no signs of going away, I pulled my plastic palm tree out of my tiki drink and handed it to him. "Here you go" I cooed. "You can play with this!"

Remax2 looked at me in shock. "You can't give a 1 yr old a pointy piece of plastic! He'll stick in his mouth and choke on it!"

"Uh..."

"You don't know anything about kids, do you?"

I tried to protest, but clearly, he was onto me.

"No biggie," I scoffed. "I'll just take it from him."

Remax2 chuckled and rolled his eyes as I committed mistake #2.

I said to the little snotface, "Sorry honey, I gotta take this back. It's going to hurt you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO," he shrieked, loud enough to make the entire bar sit up and take notice.

"No no honey, it's ok. I'm just going to take this back fr...."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." The little shitty pants grabbed onto the fucking palm tree tighter and blew one of my eardrums at the same time. Remax2 just all out laughed and tried not to say I told you so. I looked over to see if the parents were running over, ready to snatch their child away from the evil that lurked nearby, ie me. No such luck. They sort of didn't seem to give a shit.

Fuck it. I let the kid keep the palm tree.

And perhaps, this is why I'm old as fuck and still don't have kids....

Sesame Treat

I mentioned a few months back that some friends of mine sprouted a brand new baby.

Tis a whole new world, hanging out with them and the baby, and now, when we attend social functions at their house, it is one big, fat babyfest.

I guess this is to be expected, being that I am of "the age" where a lot of people are doing that sort of thing, but somehow, in this fair city, there are quite a lot of us who are not even close to being those people, nor do many of us want to be.

This past Sunday, I was invited to a brunch at their place, and we were divided into two camps, the breeders, and the "sad and empty" people ;) My friend Beach Boy was there-a really great guy who turned me on to the pleasures of Guitar Hero one New Years Day a few years back-and his new girlfriend. I had never met the girlfriend, so I was, of course, asking her all the questions a curious gal needed to ask. The subject of what she did for work came up, and it turned out that she designs toys for a living.

She pointed to one of her creations that she had brought for our hosts. It was a head, one side had an Ernie face, the other had Bert.


"Soooo cute!" I gushed as I picked it up and fondled it.

"Squeeze the head!" she instructed. I did, and it vibrated for what seemed like a full five minutes.

"Well. Ernie ole boy, I sure know where I'd like to stick that face of yours," I deadpanned...forgetting where I was. I got shot a look. Which went right over my head. Because I then said:

"Oh, don't worry, Bert will get his turn."

Hmmm. Inappropriate uses for children's toys probs don't go over well with the breeder set. Oh well.