Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

So, I have come to yet another realization about myself that has possibly been obvious to all of you for the last however many years you have been tuning into my life, but not so much to me...I clearly have a) commitment issues and b) I live in a fantasy world.

I find myself yet again entrenched in a situation that can only go nowhere, yet I spend so much time and energy on it. Admittedly, it is fun. It is an ego boost. And I am enjoying every second of this flirtation, for what it's worth. Yet I find that I am allowing it to take the place of all other intersexual relationships in my life at this moment.

There are a zillion nice guys who would be more than happy to spend time with me if I gave them half a chance. There is something different in me, something not so caring, that is making all the guys I come into contact with less important..and somehow, that makes me more desirable. But I don't give two flying fucks, because I am so engrossed in a situation that can't possibly go anywhere (although my way of thinking-as always in these situations-is never say never)..which is equal parts titillating and frustrating. The thrill of the game is always there, which is exciting. But the fact of the matter is that as real as it feels, it's a fucking game. Yet again, I prefer to be a pawn than live out the role of a real-life human in a big, fat adult relationship.

What the fuck is that?

Am I seriously still this fucked up over my last relationship that I can't fathom something real?
Or have I always been this retarded?

Either way, the realization is giving me too much to think about, and we all know how much I hate to do that.

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