Saturday, April 18, 2009

Making Sense of it All

One of the recurring themes in my life, as well as this blog, are my unrequited feelings for you-know-who (if you don't know who, then you haven't been reading long enough, and too bad, cuz I removed almost all the posts about him for safety's sake) (I know, I'm so hospitable. Welcome to my blog). I hear myself talk about it, I read what I write about it, and honestly, I have to say, if I were listening to someone else talk about it, I would probably a) punch them in the face, b) tell them they're retarded, or c) put my hands up to my ears and go "la la la I can't hear you" everytime they brought the subject up. I do read about this subject quite a bit in other peoples' blogs (mostly chicks I hate to say) and the question I ask myself everytime is Why? We are smart women. We would give our friends advice about these men such as "He's just not that into you, let him go" or "Stop wasting your time with this douchebag." but when it comes to our own situations we hold onto every little last piece of hope, every word that could mean something else, every ounce of attention that is showered upon us...perhaps this time will be the time.

A couple weeks ago, you-know-who and I went out drinking til 4am. I was out with Akat and he ended up meeting us out at my local watering hole. Akat stuck around to cockblock me from him, which was probably smart, considering the last time he and I went out drinking we talked about "us" for almost the entire time...which didn't really get me anywhere, it actually made me super fucking sad. Of course. Because that's what these types of relationships do. Which is why they don't make sense to keep around. Anyway, Akat got tired of cock blocking me and left (but not before I went out to bum a cigarette from some dude, who I ended up chatting with for a super long time, and you-know-who came out not once but TWICE to see if I was "ok" who's cockblocking who now??) and YKH and I stayed out another hour or so before calling it a night...except that he drove me home, and we sat in his car for yet ANOTHER hour talking. Not about us, this time, thank the lord. But just about life, the universe, whatnot. And as usual, I left his car feeling really confused and upset by our situation. How can he not fucking love me? ME?

Since that night I've tried to curb my communication with him...I let myself be more elusive and not so available...I figure if I just slowly disappear maybe one day I won't give a shit about him anymore and we can *really* be opposed to this one-sided bullshit. One-sided meaning he thinks we are friends and I will never stop wanting more. But somehow, while out with Akat again last night, he and I ended up texting each other til oh, 2am or so. Who does that? Oh. We do.

I'd forgotten that I'd emailed him earlier that day...I had had a dream about him...he and I were walking on a boardwalk and he bought a dog from someone and when he let me hold the dog for a second I realized it wasn't a dog at all but a rat (I refrained from telling him the part where he and I got it on right there on the dirty old boardwalk with his nasty rat-dog tied to a fence, for obvious reasons). At any rate, at the end of our texting session he tells me that he had read my email about the dream and that it freaked him out...because he had a rat dream also...and right before he saw my email he was thinking about how we're all connected in some way, and then saw that we'd had similar dreams. I was like "crazy coincidence." His reply "no such thing as a coincidence".

Which just reaffirms in my fucked up brain that he and I, as always, are in sync. Fucking ALWAYS.

I know I want to punch me in the face, tell me I'm retarded, or shut your ears and sing "la la la I can't hear you." Go ahead. You won't be the only ones.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

My ears are open and I'm not saying "la la la". I know this connection and, well, maybe I'm one in a million to say this but.... there's a reason for the connection, maybe time is the answer and maybe, just maybe, soon the elusive behavior, the what-if's, etc., will become positive "yes"'s in your favor... :) just me though, and I always like to put a positive spin on things.