Martini Musings

While I munch (yea, I said munch) on my kale salad and plain baked potato, I sit down to the very daunting task of catching you all up on my last few months. And by you all I very definitely mean all 3 of you, but I know there are at least 3 of you, so I'm sure you're a little curious to know how I'm faring with all the "I can't breathe" anxiety bullshit, and everything else.

Well, let's start off by saying that I had a beautiful panic attack in front of the Birthday Present last weekend that was just off the charts. Dare I say, he was scared shitless. I do believe he thought I was dying. As I was gasping for air, I had to reassure HIM that I was going to be ok. Lolz.

But after that, I actually have been panic free KNOCK WOOD. That was almost 2 weeks ago. So the biofeedback might be working.

Part of the biofeedback process is getting 3 very big notebooks and filling them up with the 3 things that cause me anxiety-one is the actual anxiety itself, one is my relationship, and lastly, my job. I put this off for several weeks, but once I sat down to write about the anxiety, it all came flowing out.  The relationship notebook is empty. I can't bring myself to write anything. That is NOT to say that there is nothing to write. Hmmm.

So basically, what I think you guys don't know is that I had gotten my blood test results from the doctor and they told me I was borderline diabetic. This was a shocking revelation, but not a surprising one. From the time I was old enough to eat, I can remember being obsessed with sugar, which is handed down from dear old dad. And guess what, dear old dad also was told several years back that he was borderline diabetic. So like father like daughter-I got this piece of news and became obsessed.

Since my first doctor's visit back in September, I have lost 13 pounds, with about 25 more to go. I can honestly say I'm the thinnest I've been in 10 years. Whoop! I had the balls to try on a pair of bell bottom cords that I haven't worn since like 2004 and they were big. So I kept them on and wore the shit out of them. Bell bottoms or no, they fucking fit for the first time in forever and I rocked that shit!

 I don't eat most foods...and that includes sugar..and this is utter bullshit because I am amazed by food and completely dependent on food as my emotional crutch and my happiness.  No fucking more! I'd rather starve than have diabetes, or feel like my throat is closing up. I don't miss desserts but I do miss being carefree about things. I also had to give up coffee. I drink iced coffee 365 days a year. I think I may have figured out how to get around that-I started cold brewing a half-caf blend at home and watering it down with a LOT of ice. Day 2 and I haven't had anxiety, reflux, or palpitations yet...so I may be home free. We'll see. And oh my GOD this is a boring conversation. I may have to start a new blog so I can talk about this diet crap for the people who actually care!

My contract at work got extended another 6 months. So instead of being unemployed right before Christmas, I can actually buy gifts like a rock star and maybe even go on a much needed VACATION. Maybe.

So I guess things are a lot better than they were the last time we talked.