Once a Firecracker...

I find that I tend to blog when things feel like they're going downhill in my life..thankfully, as my infrequent musings have shown, this is not all that often. However, when the downward spiral begins, it feels infinite and awful and I forget all the wonderfulness that has lead up to this very moment. By tomorrow, the spiral will most likely go in reverse, but at this moment, it is endless.

I am finding that my happiness definitely seems to stem from adoration of others, which is tricky, as people's adoration of me certainly waxes and wanes like the phases of the moon (which also weigh heavily on my happiness, since I am a Cancer baby, through and through). Throw in some good ole PMS and we've got some good old-fashioned wallowing, to be examined and picked apart like a Michael Jackson autopsy.

So let's see...what's been going on to lead up to this moment?

I have had a phenomenal summer. Truly. How could I not? I have been on an extended hiatus from work, and the last 3 weeks have been heaven as far as the weather is concerned. I'm tanner and hotter than I've probably ever been, due to many trips to the beach, pool and gym, as well as all the bike riding and yoga I've gotten accustomed to. I have great friends, many of whom are also on hiatus from work, so I have plenty of people to play with and keep me entertained.

I have been lucky so far in that I have been able to find freelance work when things have gotten bleak-I look at my bank account and kick my self-promotion into high-gear...I know how to market myself when I need to and it's proven to be fruitful...I took on a part-time job at an amazing establishment to keep me afloat, and I really enjoy it. I'm meeting fun people and have absolutely shaken up my "comfort zone" which seems to be the theme of 2009, over and over again.

I am doing my Montauk share house again and I adore it. I adore the people in the house and I am obsessed with Montauk..always have been. There's something about that town that is magical and soothing, and I am so lucky and thankful for every second I get to spend there. So there's that.

So what is the fucking problem?

Well. For starters. Money. There never seems to be enough of it. I always had money issues, because I am a serial spender...I have always made good money..not great money, but definitely enough to live on...and I frittered it away without a second thought. Now I have to worry about every cent that is earned and every cent that is spent (I don't much spend time on the latter, still) but what's weird is that I don't love money all that much, so I don't spend a lot of time trying to earn it. I just want enough to get by. Which makes me feel unmotivated and without goals. Which leads me to...

Creative output. I have had 8 months of freedom, basically, give or take some freelance work here and there. I have come up with some brilliant ideas. Many of which I have seen executed by others. I have had an idea for a book that my publishing friend told me is amazing, but I need to get on it NOW. Have I done any of it? Of course not. Honestly, my free days off have been consumed with how many hours I can spend at the gym (which is way too expensive but I cannot bear to cancel my membership) and how many people I can squeeze into my social calendar. I have half-assedly talked to some people about some of my ideas, and they are all "on board", but not really, because everyone is concerned with their own aspirations right now, understandably. I rely on others to make my dreams happen. This is apparent in life, as well as love. Which doesn't help me all that much.

I haven't dated in several months. I think this is partly because I am too comfortable being single. Possibly because I spent most of this year being obsessed with (Remax2) which felt safe. I have finally come to terms with my Remax2 issues. But that makes me feel empty...you spend so much time obsessing over someone and hoping for the best, and when you come to the realization that it isn't going to happen (even when you knew all along that it wasn't), it leaves you with, well, nothing. I have cancelled all my online dating subscriptions-I don't want to meet someone that way, and it's becoming more and more apparent that I'm NOT going to meet someone that way. So goodbye to that. But that safety net has been cut, so even more so I have to rely on my "charisma" and "charm" to make that happen, which as we all know hasn't been very productive.

I keep thinking that I want to want someone. But ultimately I might find it easier to be alone.

The other day at my part-time job I was jamming out to some old Adam and the Ants that was on the stereo. One of my coworkers, who is probably a good 10 years older than me, blurted out "I bet you were a real firecracker when you were a teenager."

I actually wasn't. I'm a firecracker now. But at the age of 41, the spark is weak.

Is This The Real Life? Is This Just Fantasy?

So, I have come to yet another realization about myself that has possibly been obvious to all of you for the last however many years you have been tuning into my life, but not so much to me...I clearly have a) commitment issues and b) I live in a fantasy world.

I find myself yet again entrenched in a situation that can only go nowhere, yet I spend so much time and energy on it. Admittedly, it is fun. It is an ego boost. And I am enjoying every second of this flirtation, for what it's worth. Yet I find that I am allowing it to take the place of all other intersexual relationships in my life at this moment.

There are a zillion nice guys who would be more than happy to spend time with me if I gave them half a chance. There is something different in me, something not so caring, that is making all the guys I come into contact with less important..and somehow, that makes me more desirable. But I don't give two flying fucks, because I am so engrossed in a situation that can't possibly go anywhere (although my way of thinking-as always in these situations-is never say never)..which is equal parts titillating and frustrating. The thrill of the game is always there, which is exciting. But the fact of the matter is that as real as it feels, it's a fucking game. Yet again, I prefer to be a pawn than live out the role of a real-life human in a big, fat adult relationship.

What the fuck is that?

Am I seriously still this fucked up over my last relationship that I can't fathom something real?
Or have I always been this retarded?

Either way, the realization is giving me too much to think about, and we all know how much I hate to do that.