It Just Keeps Getting Better

For the last two weeks I've been feeling super crappy...like, not just regular down in the dumps from the usual bullshit of life...but awfully, horribly depressed and hyper sensitive about EVERYTHING. I realize that I don't have all that much to be horrendously excited about right now, but this was kind of out of character for me.

I then started to notice that I was feeling like I'd gained massive amounts of weight. And my boobs were KILLING me. And then my mind went to that place that no single, unemployed woman's mind should ever go.

Holy crap I think I'm pregnant.

I mean, it made perfect sense. The lethargy. The hormonalness. The mood swings. The fatness. The boob pain.

FUUUUCK.

I realized that, if that were the case, I had no way of knowing who the father was. Isn't that nice? Isn't that a GREAT thing to realize about oneself? I'm not even getting all that much action (any) these days. But let's face it, I do tend to overlap.

So we've got three contenders. Remax2. Ban, the one-night stand. And Smug, the dumper via text.

Three really, really bad options for the potential father of my child.

Yes, yes, I know that I have "choices" (smasmortion, for those of you, like me, who are Knocked Up fans). But when you're 40, and you know your child-bearing years are few and far between, you have irrational thoughts, such as "I can move back in with my parents and they'll help me out" or "Remax 2/Ban/Smug will take ownership of the little bastard, marry me, and we'll live happily ever after (again, watching too much "Knocked Up" I think)".

I mulled over all of this while trying to decide if I should buy a couple hundred home pregnancy tests.

And then, the unthinkable happened. I got my period. Very, very early. Like, 2 weeks early.

(my sister, the eternal pessimist, deadpanned "you could be having a miscarriage.")

It all made sense now. The bloating. The strange emotions. The boob pain. It never even occured to me that Aunt Flo was coming to town...seriously that bitch was way early.

So, I guess having my period twice in a month and having eternal PMS isn't the worst thing that could happen to a gal.